Sunday, February 27, 2011

Stephanie's finally coming home

We're going to leave in a bit to pick her up. She was supposed to come back Thursday, but something came up. Perhaps the person who is most happy about this is her father, Mr. Nord. I've been very busy all week, taking care of Stephanie's siblings. They are quite a handful. I have been checking in every now and then, and I must say things are as crazy as ever. Jeff's leaving us it seems, something I cannot accept. I mean, after all he did he's just going to leave? After providing a cure to so many people? It's just...mind boggling. But I suppose...this calls for a farewell?

Goodbye Jeff. That cure of yours is brilliant.

Zeke...Zeke's talking to himself in the mirror. Other people would think this is crazy, but as a believer in Jungian Psychology I actually think this might be a good thing. I'm not too sure why Zeke's subconscious looks like a person named Eric Riley, but I suppose there is a reason for everything.

Robert's back. Kind of. Redlight is not just one person as it seems, but an entire network of people, who know what we do before we do it, possibly using the Dark World that has been described by Robert. It does make sense, but it also complicates things. If there are more then one Redlight, then how do we beat them? We need to find some way to know who is who and when and where. It's all so confusing. I suppose we can try and find a way to break into their communication network. If that's even possible...

Cynthia is in charge of everything now that Redlight left for reasons I do not know, and I doubt any of us will ever know. But it seems Cynthia's fighting his influence. So there's something to have hope about. I just hope she succeeds. It would nice to get to know the old Cynthia.

As for me, I've been busy preparing for Frankie's funeral. So far I managed to help the family contact all his relatives and friends, find a good funeral home and prepare for his wake. I've asked around and finally decided on the song that should be played at his funeral.

Steph told me he showed this to her once during their art class. He said it was supposed to be their graduation song. Too bad he will never get that chance to graduate now. Slender Man...words cannot describe how angry I am. Why did he have to chose him? If he was going to punish me why not kill me instead? But then I suppose Steph would have no one to talk to. I suppose she'll be all alone then...I don't even know if I want to witness what would happen afterwords. She's so fragile, I'd like to think. Yet she's very good at hiding it. I can't even tell if she's sad over Frank's death or not. She just always wears that smile, that silly smile of hers. Yet I know, that she's hurting inside. I can tell. I can see it in her eyes. I've asked her if she had any dreams lately. She claims she has, but she doesn't remember them. There have been times, she says, when she felt a need to draw, but decided against it. She's afraid of what she would draw. On Wednesday she spoke with Dr. Fitzpatrick about everything, but doesn't want to tell me what they talked about. "I'll tell you when I come back", she said. She also had some talks with her mother, something I couldn't do. It's because they are relatives, I suppose.

In the meantime I keep trying to contact our mysterious troll. The bitch won't answer any of my E-mails. I don't understand, why won't she talk to me?

I'm beginning to think she will only talk to Steph and Steph alone.

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Visit

I just got back from the hospital. Words cannot describe how I feel right now. I managed to meet up with Stephanie. She isn't as bad as I thought she was. She only has a few broken bones. She should be released by next week at the latest. Which means this entire week is now a big waste. That's not the worst of it.

She saw him. She saw him.

She told me during the conversation we had in her room. The nurse allowed us to speak alone with each other for fifteen minutes. I took this time to ask her about what happened Saturday night. Here's an excerpt of what we talked about:

(I sit in a chair next to Steph's bed. She looks tired, like she hasn't slept for weeks. There is cut around her cheek area. She smiles at me.)

Stephanie: Rebecca, I'm so glad you're hear. The service here is terrible. Have you seen they crap they feed you here? I'd rather eat dirt!

(I hug her before she could say anything else. I think I crushed a few ribs)

Me: Steph! You're okay!

S: I?

M: You're not dead!

S: Uh....yeah, I'm still breathing aren't I? Although I won't be for long if you won't let go of me.

(I let go of her)

M: Steph, I've been so don't even know. That night-

(She interrupts me)

S: I know.

M: Steph, Frank is dead!

(Stephanie falls silent. This is the first time I have ever a look of genuine fear in her eyes.)

M: Steph?

(She breaks down. For a moment I thought the nurses would come in on us.)

S (between sobs): It's not fair! He didn't do anything! He didn't deserve this! Tell me it isn't true! Please!

M: I'm...I'm sorry Steph. If there's anything I can do-

S: No! Don't even try it Rebecca. It's too late now. He's gone. I didn't want to believe it at first but that thing...

M: What are you talking about Steph?

S: Rebecca, what did you call that faceless guy in a suit? Tall Man or something?

(I fall silent. There was nothing I could say)

M: What happened on Saturday Steph? You've got to tell me.

S: You didn't see it? It was right there, right in front of you and you didn't see it? God Rebecca, have you gone blind or something? Tall guy! Faceless! In a suit! It had tentacles and shit. It looked like he was going to anal rape you or something. What the fuck? You really didn't see it?

M: Steph, I really don't know what you're talking about-

S: Frank ran after it Rebecca! Don't tell me you didn't see?! He was trying to protect you!

M: Oh....oh my...

S: Yeah, you see?

M: I'm so sorry Steph.

S: DON'T APOLOGISE. Geez, you make it seem like you killed Frank...

M: Um...

S: Anyways, I should be the one apologizing. In fact, I have a confession to make.

M: What?

S: I...kind of sort of....knew it existed from the beginning.


S: I didn't want to admit to it because really the entire thing seemed kind of silly. I mean, come on, a faceless monster wearing a business suit? How dumb can you get? But when I saw how similar that thing you kept on talking about (what's his name?) I couldn't ignore the fact that I never heard of this guy before, so I couldn't have been hallucinating it. But I didn't want to admit that I believed that some faceless dude was stalking my mother. Not yet anyways. And then this crap happens so now I have no choice but accept it. We're fucked Rebecca.

M: So what about Leon? Do you know what happened to him?

S: Ugh, don't even mention that jerk's name to me.

M: Why? What happened?

S: Remember when Frank lunged at what's-his-face?

M: Um...I suppose...

S: Well, they were wrestling with each other and shit, Frank and what's-his-face. I tried running after him but Leon the bitch stopped me, telling me that it was already too late and shit. Motherfucker. This is Frank we're talking about! So the thing disappeared, taking Frank along with it, screaming like a fucking banshee on crack, and I couldn't do anything about it! I was this close to punching the shit out of Leon. But he fucking ran away before I could do anything. That coward. He fucking ran away. I tried running after him but everything caved in on me. The last thing I remember was being surrounded by a bunch of worried faces.

M: I don't understand...that doesn't sound anything like Leon.

S: Well, it looks like his true colors finally revealed themselves huh?

M: So what do we do now?

(Steph shrugs)

S: I dunno, wait? Fuck, Rebecca, you're supposed to know what we're dealing with, why don't you tell me? How the hell did you find out Frank was dead anyways?

M: found his body...

S: What the fuck?

M: I don't want to explain the details, but it was back at the park, near the bridge by the soccer field...

S: Oh yeah, I know what you're talking about. That one creek that nobody cares about?

M: Um...yeah....

S: Dammit. Have the police found it yet?

M: I'm not entirely sure. But I did tell them about it.

S: Good, maybe they can find Leon.

M: Steph, I'm not too sure...

S: Shut up. Now, about whats-his-name-

M: Slender Man.

S: Really? ...Alright....About Slender Man. Who the hell is he and what does he want with me?

M: Um...this is a bit hard to explain...

S: Lay it on me.

So I tell her everything, I told her about the blogs, Marble Hornets, my own experiences with the mysterious trolls. I couldn't tell what Steph was thinking throughout the entire story, but I know she was a bit dazed. It was so much for her to take it in, that there were other people suffering due to this creature's existence. She just kept on asking questions, some of them I couldn't even answer. I'm scared. I was the only one that couldn't see it that night. Why? Why me? Steph tells me not to worry about it, but that only makes me worry more. I'm supposed bookmark all of the blogs I want her to read so she can research this guy. But what if it targets her more. What if she becomes her mother? Steph told me that I'm starting to sound like she did at the beginning of this madness, maybe I am, but I just can't take it. It's too much...

I managed to see Dr. Fitzpatrick. He seemed awfully agitated, and he kept on muttering the same words over and over again; "It's too soon", "You promised me". I don't exactly know what it means, but Dr. Fitzpatrick prescribed Steph even more medicine from the looks of it. So that means she'll be sleeping even more now...

I tried seeking audience with Mrs. Nord. I thought if anyone, she would know what's happening since she was the first to be targeted by this thing. But the nurses denied me entrance, she is not allowed any visitors apparently. But why? Is she really that damaged in the head? I'd like to not think so, but there's something fishy about that hospital. It doesn't feel right whenever I'm inside.

I'm not going to think about it now. I just need to relax...

Seems impossible, now that I know he's actively threatening the both of us. I'm almost considering running away, but I can't. I still have people I need to take care of. And if he tries to kill anyone else I...

I don't even know.

Maybe I can take out my anger on the mysterious troll....invite her to tea....have a little chat....

No, that's silly.

Visiting Stephanie

I'll be leaving to visit Stephanie at the hospital soon. One of Mr. Nord's friends is going to take me. Perhaps I can find out her views on what happened Saturday evening. Why did Frank suddenly run at nothing like that? What happened in the forest? And perhaps what happened to Leon. She is the only person I can trust with this information now. Steph, I'm so sorry...

Will update later today.

Sunday, February 20, 2011


That's how I feel right now. Ava's gone, Redlight has everyone within his fingertips to be played and manipulated like this some kind of game and I have a feeling the bitch that keeps sending me and my friend messages doesn't want me involved. I want to help, but I can't....ever had that feeling before. Something will just keep trying to stop me. I wish I knew who....did this to Frank. I wish I can tear it to pieces. I want to think it's that mysterious troll. I really do, but I can't help but think...

Oh, look at me. I don't even know what to think anymore. Leon is missing, my best friend is in the hospital and I'm sitting her with her fourteen-year-old brother moping, just watching the blogosphere for some dash of hope. It's terrible, I know. Joshua is just staring at me like I'm crazy...look, I'm just torn okay? I want things to be the way they used to be. It was this whole lucid dreaming thing, wasn't it? That's what started this mess right? Please tell me it wasn't my fault. Why am I being punished like this?

The Scene At Cazenovia

I'm at Steph's house, crying my eyes off. The police have just left. Today may be the saddest day of my life. It does not help at all that Ava's risking her life right now. I cannot take two deaths in one day! I can't...

I went to the park earlier. Just like that bitch wanted me to. It was sunny out, but still a bit cold. I had my old bulky coat on because I lost my new trenchcoat. I felt like a pig. All of us South Buffalo kids knew this park by heart. This was our park, the Cazenovia Park. It had everything a park needed; a playground, sprinklers, a pool, a fishing hole, a jogger's area, tennis courts, basketball courts, baseball fields, and a soccer field. EVERYTHING YOU NEED. Everything you need...

Except a shoulder to cry on.

It was near the soccer field that I saw that horrible scene. That horrible, vomit worthy scene that made you want to die and hope that would be the end of it. I didn't get to see it right away. That bitch put up a bunch of sticks in the upright position, wrapping streamers around them like what I would see at the end of the road would be a party. That's what he wrote, that we were going to be "PARTAY"-ing. I didn't know this was what he meant. I followed the marked path across the bridge and into a group of trees. The path was marked by trees covered in streamers now, and the streamers even decorated some of the branches. I began to feel colder, almost to the point of freezing, but I still pressed on. The path finally reached it's end. What I saw will haunt me until the day I die.

It was Frank. Frank Anthony Williams Jr. Frankie Suicide. Or, it was his body. He was dead. Something had mutilated his body. There was a giant, gaping hole in the left side of his chest, coming out of it was his intestines that wrapped around the tree his body was staked to with the use of branches. And there were other streamers about the tree, and balloons attached to more branches. Hanging off some of the branches were black bags full of.....I don't know what they were filled with. All I know is that they were leaking blood. Some of it fell on my head. To make things worse, he was completely naked, and something, or someone, chopped off his....I don't want to say it. I really don't want to say it. But I suppose you already know, don't you?

Written on the tree in his own blood were these words:

"I love you.

I warned you."

I recognize those words from the song the mysterious troll sent me, which was the one Frank was listening to. I had a feeling he was listening to it (or was forced to listen to it) before he died. Someone is playing a game with me, and I don't like it it at all. Steph's safe at least. She was found near the swings by the police and committed to a hospital. She doesn't have any serious injuries, only a few bruised ribs and some cuts here and there. She should be out of the hospital within a few days. In the meantime I'll be watching her siblings for her father, who is currently very upset. Almost dangerously so. I never seen Mr. Nord this upset before. I think he actually liked Frank, even though he teased Steph about him so many times. Leon on the other hand...I have no clue with him. He still won't answer his cell phone. I'm worried.

There was another thing written on that dreaded tree.

This symbol:

I don't understand what it means.

I'm already planning a funeral for Frank with the help of some of his close friends. In memory of him I prepared this poem:

The taste of the rainbow,
That's who you were to me,
A symbol of hope
After a flood of grief.
Only you
Knew how to make us smile,
So do us a favor
And come back for a while.
You may be perverted,
You may be gay,
But you know that we like you that way.
So boogie down like you know how to do,
In that party in the sky.
We'll be there soon too.

It's not as good as I want it to be. But it gets the point across.

Rest In Peace, Frankie.

You did always tell us you wanted to die young. I suppose you got your wish.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

I Don't Know What Happened

I remember Steph and Frank singing and dancing to Ke$ha. It was really annoying. Then Leon begun acting strange. He was yelling angrily, something about the wheel not working. Then time went by and I noticed we were going the wrong way. I asked Leon about it but he wouldn't answer. I tried talking to Steph and Frank but they were far too busy...partying? I had to nudge the earplugs out of their ears to awake them from their daze. Everyone freaked out immediately, we had no idea where we were. Before we could question anything a car appeared out of nowhere.

I took the wheel immediately. But something was wrong. I couldn't control it. It was like the wheel had a mind of its own. I looked up when I saw a flash of white light. Our car swerved and...

All I remember after that was waking up in a playground of some sorts. I was right next to the swings, and my friends were somewhere nearby, it looked like they were shouting, but I couldn't hear them, at all. I thought I had become deaf. There was this pain in my head, and my stomach felt terrible. I felt like I was being ripped to shreds. Then I blacked out. The only thing I remember before then was Frank running towards nothing. He looked so angry, like he was about to punch someone.

I just recently woke up, right at my computer. There was blood on my clothes and my new trenchcoat was missing. The tickets to I Am Number Four was right next to my keyboard. And on my computer was my gmail account. Someone had opened it up.

It had this message.

from---- ----
dateSat, Feb 19, 2011 at 9:00 PM
subjectyou better run

hide details 9:00 PM (1 hour ago)

42° 50' 35.13" N
78° 48' 6.36" W

I watched the video several times, it was the same song my friends were singing during the ride home. And I have just now discovered that someone posted the same video on this blog. I don't know who this person, but I know it isn't Steph. I have a feeling it's the same person who sent Steph all those emails, and now she's/he's sending me emails. The question is, I don't know how she got a hold of Steph's password. I never told anybody and...oh goodness...I can't remember her password. But I have great memory! How could this be?

Something's up here. I don't know what but something's wrong. I tried calling Steph, Frank, and Leon but they won't answer their phones. What happened?

I'm worried.

Those coordinates are obviously a clue. I'm going to try looking them up and see what comes up.


Found something.

I recognize the location. It's in Caznovia park. The park I've warned Steph about. This person is obviously tainting me.

And look.

This seems familiar...

Hmm....I wonder.....

the game has begun

Ke$ha is amazing~~~~~~~~


I Am Number for was.....okay. I liked it, but it wasn't as good as any other sci-fi movie I like. Like Star Wars! Star Wars was great, this was average. The main character was cute thoOMG STEPH ALEX PETTYFER IS HOT. Damn boy, how you doin'?

Oh, hey all, I'm Frankie Suicide and I'm hijacking Steph's blog off her phone :) Omg Steph, what's with the blog and weird pictures??? Girl, you act like it's the end of the world or something. It ain't gonna end until 2012 :P Fuck, it's so dark out :( And it's so coooooooold. I'mma just gonna steal Becca's new coat for a sec

What the fuck Frank? Why'd you change my post title? OKAY OKAY I WON'T CHANGE IT.


Yeah, that was Frank, my gay best friend. Who had to make us shop for an hour because he thought it would be cool if we had a fashion show :| I'm not a freakin' model like he thinks I am, but whatever. Frank says I look good in blue. I hate blue. He bought me a blue shirt anyways. Gee, thanks. Rebecca shopped at Hot Topic while Frank took me to shop at Ambercrombie & Fitch and Hollister. Dammit Frank I don't even shop at those places. Then again I don't shop at all. Frank, let's be real. I am not made of money.



Anyways, we're currently waiting for my friend Leon to pick us up. And he's taking FOREVER. Frank...Frank what the


I'm telling you guys, I'm going to give Steph a makeover, she's going to look pretty...oh hey Becca you too! That dark and gothic look is not working honey. We need to lighten your hair up! Maybe find a nice mini skirt and skinny jeans. Oh girl, you're going to look GORGEOUS.


Here boo, tell your friends goodbye. Because we are going to PARTAY.



You win Steph and Frank

We're going to see I Am Number Four today. I'll come and pick you guys up in a bit.

Friday, February 18, 2011

I made up my mind

I've been juggling between showing these or not.

They make me feel funny. Like I stare at them and I have butterflies in my stomach. I recognize some from my dreams, and a few from memory. But something didn't feel right. Some of them don't look like my art style at all. They look like a child drew them. And my eye keeps getting distracted by certain renderings. There's always this feeling that these pictures are hiding something. And I drew most of them randomly, like some burst of inspiration took over me. I don't even know what I was thinking when I made these. All I know was that I needed to draw.

I always need to draw of course, but this was different. The psychiatrist assured me I was just having a creative moment and that there's nothing to worry about. Well that's fine and dandy, but...some of these aren't really that creative.

Here take a look:

The first four are obvious continuations of the dream with the mirror...I think....

The last two seem...familiar somehow. Like, I know the second last is a dream I had as a kid. I was in Hawaii because my father was at bootcamp for the...marines? Rangers? One of them two, I can't remember. But we lived there until I was almost five, it was nice. We had this nice home, this nice church, the school I went to was amazing. I was this big tomboy girl who played sports and got her hands dirty. It was great. But I had this dream one night. I was in my white metal framed bed, both the covers and blanket were Barney, because I liked Barney as a kid (shut up). I was scared for some reason, even though I could see that.....Shadow.....Moonlight.....a black cat I had as a kid was laying down at the foot of the bed, keeping an eye on me like she always did (I miss her....or him...pretty sure it was a 'she'). But I was still scared. I looked to the left and saw shadows of.......disembodied limbs. Here's a tip to anyone who feels like they'll get a kick out of freaking the hell out of me:

Disembodied limbs creep the FUCK out of me.

I quickly ducked under my covers, because frankly I most likely pissed my sheets like I always did as a kid (I was potty trained late, shut up). But I could still see them. And I screamed, I screamed, I freakin' screamed. Wouldn't be surprised if I screamed in real life too. Fuck.

But then...I heard a noise.

The sound of drums. Marching drums. And the sound of a thousand soldiers singing in tune. Curious, I got out from underneath my blanket, and walked down this huge floor that was supposed to belong to my bedroom I guess. I think it was wooden. There was only one window, and two doors and my room, and a bed. There was nothing else (excluding what's-her/his-name). No toys or dolls or shit. Just an ominous feeling and the urge get sick. Outside the window, was a tree, and I realize that this tree was the thing that made the shadows. I was less afraid...until I saw what the sounds meant. There was a war. And my dad was in it.

The very last one, was me at the swings before I met Rebecca. The only problem is I specifically remember being on the right swing and Rebecca on the left. Maybe an error of judgment? I have no freakin' idea. But the words. "Come." A message, no doubt.

I feel like the other pictures have some sort of message in them as well. Call it a hunch, but Rebecca always talks about the subconcious and crap. And as an artist I always have this urge to use symbolism in my work...

I didn't want to show these pictures because I knew they would worry some people, and obviously they seem capable about it since you know....why? Just why? And since Rebecca just so happened to find them and tell practically everyone in the world about them I suppose I have no choice. And I see some of you watchers seem to be friendly with Rebecca or something, so yeah, what the fuck. Ugh....I hate this. I still feel sick, and I have a huge headache now. Good thing I have next week off. Now I can sleep. Haha, it almost seems like sleep is my only sanctuary. I almost feel like sleeping forever....

And ever.....

And ever.....

That would be nice right? If we could do that and still dream?

Then again, I don't exactly "dream" anymore.


I'm lost in one.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Dr. Fitzpatrick

Tall, lean. A tad bit pale. Red headed, naturally. Dr. Fitzpatrick, the sort of guy who you can't help but think he was the sort of kid who grew up as a nerd in high school. Or at least, the sort who would've been seen as one. Freckles, those thick rimmed glasses, pens in the breast pocket. The entire deal. He seemed to intimidate Steph when I took her to visit him, along with the physicist. I'm not entirely sure the reason, but psychiatrists seem to irk Steph. A lot, actually. She wouldn't even look at him. But he seemed kind enough. He didn't necessarily show any ill will, and didn't seem to mind my presence. He had even let me come in with her, and watch their session once I told him I was a friend. Although it could be because I had Steph's dream journal.

Steph's still cross with me about that. Although it wasn't like I could ignore it. I looked through some of the pictures, and some of them... they were different from the ones posted online. She was hiding them. I'll try to post them tomorrow, they're strange to say the least. When she said she wasn't dreaming...I think she was lying.

We talked to Dr. Fitzpatrick about the pill. As he described it those were normal side effects, and should wear down shortly. "All stress relievers cause drowsiness", as they are depressants, I suppose. I ask him about lack of dreams, he smiled, stating that a lack of dreams were a normal side effect as well. Then I show him the dream journal. The new images...he said they couldn't be dreams.

How is psychiatrist supposed to know these things anyways?

But he seemed to know what he was doing. His manner was professional, kind. He always looked thoughtful. I tend to like people like that. Somehow they seem trustworthy.

But if Steph wasn't dreaming, what could these images be?

The psychiatrist suggested that Steph was in a fit of inspiration...inspiration to make these?

I don't know.

But after the session, Steph randomly suggested that she went to the park this weekend. Should I let her? She's still kind of sick (even though she insisted she goes to school tomorrow).

We also got to visit her mother today...I was made to stand outside. Steph came out shaken, to the point of tears. She refused to talk about her mother's problems. Mr. Nord (who was off today) was the strongest of the two. But he was just as suspicious of Dr. Fitzpatrick as Steph was, perhaps more so. I asked him why, and he told me that he had no problem with psychology, but Dr. Fitzpatrick is doing it the wrong way. Something about pills, he dislikes them, with a passion it seems.

"Medicine does not cure a person from insanity" was his words.

Which got me thinking about the cure.

I can't help but wonder if it really works.


I fortified the Nord home. I won't say how because I can't risk Steph getting mad at me, it will only make things worse. In the meantime, I'm going to try to ask her why she wants to go to the park. It's too cold for that.

Perhaps the movies will suit her needs better. I have two tickets. ;]

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Steph's Sick

I'm at her home right now. It's freezing here. Steph wasn't able to explain what happened when I asked her why it was so cold. Apparently the furnace got busted. I went to check it and everything. Absolutely no flame whatsoever. So that means no hot water. Stephanie's father whose vacation recently ended, was furious. Luckily the power works, so we'll be having TV dinner today. I offered Steph the chance to stay at my place again, but she refused. "I'm not going after last time, so you can forget it" were her own words. The cold temperatures has apparently caused her sickness, or something to that effect, but she also tells me that one of her siblings had strep throat. Not too sure what to believe at the moment.

I managed to meet her social worker in person today. She isn't that bad. She's actually kind of nice, and funny, really. She had pretty much the same reaction I had when she entered the home. I had to convince her that it was nothing to worry about though, since Steph was almost to the point of pulling her hair out. I think Steph's being a wee bit too judgmental in this case.

She refuses to come out of her room. And seems content with just sleeping all day. It's as if that's all she wants to do right now. She won't even do the homework I brought her. I asked her why she hadn't updated her blog yesterday, and she told me that the internet wasn't working. But it's working perfectly.


Now I see what Steph was talking about, it is weird. I'm almost certain that this isn't some normal technical difficulties now. Although Steph tells me that it happens every now and then since Saturday. Mr. Nord is currently thinking about switching to another internet provider. I'm not too sure whether that will help or not, to be honest. But we shall see.

I've heard about the killing of innocents. Wow, these people are very unimaginative aren't they? You would think they would know that it's absolutely pointless. Even if they were to win any "favor" (which seems to be what they are attempting to do) it won't last that long. How can people be this blind? just confuses me is all.

Lucien, good luck. I know you can do it.

Keep holding on guys. <3

Monday, February 14, 2011

Steph wasn't at school today

Steph where were you? I had a Valentine cookie waiting for you. It had a message of hope, pink frosting, all customized for you. I swear, that girl. Everyone was worried sick. You'd think that people weren't capable of worrying about what happened to one person. Although, I shouldn't be talking, really. Considering what is currently happening.

Reach, Ava, Kay, Lucien, Robert.

Stay safe. That's all I can say to you. You are all my source of inspiration. I hope you can manage to defeat the aggravation of a man, Redlight. I'm counting on you all, I know you can do it. Kay and Lucien, keep an eye out for each other. I'm not quite sure I can bear thinking about what might result if the worst happened to you. I have to say you're the most wonderful set of siblings ever to exist, even though you make a few mistakes here and there. ;) I hope you forgive me for pestering you two.

Redlight probably won't be able to read this but I only have one thing to say:

"Please disappear."

It is unfortunate that won't happen any time soon from the looks of things, but it would be nice. Please note, I did not necessarily say kill, but that's mainly due to the fact that I'm not entirely sure I want to kill any of these people. Since, it has been proven that they can be cured. Or at least I hope that is the case. Not to mention I'm curious about this supposed "cure" Redlight has. If anything, it seems like it's something that could become useful, if in the right hands. This is only a mere idea, of course, it doesn't necessarily mean I'll do it. I don't want to even read Redlight's name right now. Nor ever.


Enough about the Slender Man blogosphere (Steph, if you ever see this, I know what you will say, so it's alright if you yell), Steph I saw your last post.


That, doesn't make any sense. Internet cropping out? I'm willing to think it's...ahem..."You Know Who" that did it. Even though I never considered he would be able to interfere with the internet connection itself. Steph, I'm going to come over. Yes. I am going to come over there and take care of you.

Wait for me, alright?

I don't think I like the sound of that E-mail.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Technology. How does it work?

I slept good again last night, zero dreams again. But it wasn't like I cared. The sun was shining when I woke up. That was the first thing I noticed. I have this certain affinity towards light. Whenever I enter a new room. That's all I ever notice, how well lit it is. I thought this was going to be a decent day. I really did. Last night we created our characters for my dad's campaign. I was a slightly rich and beautiful elf, my brother was a laid back warrior dude with duel swords who only fought when he saw need to. We even started the campaign with limited resources.

It was fun.

I sucked, but it was fun.

I already have an enemy. Ha. And was attacked by men of my own kind. Don't ask me why the hell they were attacking me, my dad's campaign pretty much ran on what the dice said.


I helped :3 (a little)

But yeah, that was great, I was looking forward to doing it again. And then the internet went down. See, we were using an internet dice roll generator, so it was slightly disappointing for me. Plus I was supposed to sign up for financial aide online today. I'm sighing right now. But it's fine now. It's so weird. It just went on and off on a whim. It went down for six whole hours afterwords before suddenly coming on a few minutes ago. And it was so random.

The weirdest part, oh just wait 'til you hear this: According to the double computer icon on the lower right corner of my laptop's taskbar my internet was working the entire time.


And then I come back, and WHAT DO I FIND?

from---- ---- <>
toStephanie Nord <>
dateSat, Feb 12, 2011 at 1:56 PM
hide details 1:56 PM (3 hours ago)


This guy obviously knows something...

Friday, February 11, 2011

I slept like a lamb

Unfortunately I had no dreams. When I crawled out of my bed this morning I felt more energized then I ever felt in a long time. The problem is...I fell asleep at my computer last night.

Maybe dad carried me to sleep?

No. That's silly.

But it does make sense.

I'm still kind of mad I didn't have any dreams though. Absolutely nothing for my dream journal :( But my mind feels so alert now. It's great. Just in time for character creation tomorrow too!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Apparently I'm having anxiety issues...

I hate psychiatrists. With a passion. Their smug little faces, looking at you from some big chair. That fake smile. They want you to think they can help you, but secretly you know what a bunch of bullcrap that is. I'm alright with just helping myself, thanks.

One way you know there's trouble is when there's that smooth, monotone voice. My God, I hate that. It really makes me want to punch a baby.

It' so annoying.

Now, this probably wouldn't be that much of a problem if I wasn't being forced to go to the psychiatrists every Wednesday now. I'm so happy it's not even funny. I can't wait to tell my entire life story to a douchebag prick who'll only tell me what's wrong with me. Like I don't know that there's something wrong right now. I'm way behind in my lucid dreaming. I haven't dreamed for an entire week. I'm tired as shit. Apparently this guy tells me that it's become I have anxiety problems. No shit Sherlock.

Our conversation pretty much went like this:

Dr. Fitzpatrick (which is the dude's name) comes in and starts the usually session full of shitty personal questions such "How did you feel when this scenario first began?", "How have you felt ever since?", but then his questions become downright insulting. "Do you feel safe with your family?" "Would you trust your father?" What. The fuck? I wish I could give you guys the entire conversation, but sadly I couldn't record it. My memory's faulty enough as it is.

I do remember a series of very peculiar questions though.

First he asks me about my hobbies, and I give him my standard list (books, art, movies, etc.), and then I mentioned my lucid dreaming hobby. This seemed to spark his interest for some reason, and he asks if I keep a dream journal. I'm like, "yeah, I use a sketchbook to draw my dreams". And his face goes "woah!" or "wow!" or "hey! Jackpot!" I honestly don't know, these guys are like trained to make their emotions undetectable no matter what expression they're wearing. So we talk a bit about my dreams, and I mention the dream with my mom in it.

Here's where things REALLY get strange.

That dream where we moved away to the blue house?


What does this even mean? Has this ever happened before? I have no freakin' clue.

Then he prescribed me these pills. I have no clue what they are but apparently they're supposed to help quell my anxiety issues. Okay...

My dad already got them for me, and they're this weird black color, capsules of course. There's something about the way they shine in the sun. I swear they freakin' sparkle. Or something. But damn, taking them can hurt. It feels like knifes are being shoved down your throat. Yet things seem to calm down when they enter your system...

...Yeah, very calm.

Dammit, I suddenly feel like sleeping like a bear cub.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Tripping Wizards

Totally dude.

So our little helper person thing the CPS sent us came to visit. And apparently I missed her...


I blame the buses. Our transport here sucks. And it was cold as hell. At least I got to listen to some nice people talk about their travels. Seriously, these people have been to Ireland, England, Mexico, Belgium, Germany, France, and Sicily...they're freakin' awesome. One of the two even lived in California for a time. She had this great description going on about one of the earthquakes. Makes me glad there ain't any earthquakes up here. And apparently, they charge a lot of money for harley shirts in England. Not that I'm much of a saleswoman.

Haha! Let in the tourest jokes!

...Right, anyways; Social Workers.

My dad didn't like her. From his own words, she was "disgusting". Yay, I like the sound of this arrangement already. My dad wrote a story about our situation last night, fiction of course, as a sort of testament to mom. Turns out this social worker hated it. Well. HATER'S GONNA HATE. I honestly liked the story. It had a surreal thing going on with a demonic evil haunting my mom and stuff, driving her to insanity. Pretty solid story. I don't know why people have no sense of imagination these days. It blows my mind sometimes.

As it turns out, my dad was inspired to become a writer thanks to tabletop roleplay. Now, I'd like you folks to know that I am an avid roleplayer, I have so many characters on hold, it ain't even funny, (I guess it runs in the family huh?), so when my dad tells me he's planning on getting us the entire set of The Fantasy Trip, of course I'd be freakin' excited! This game, it's freakin' old as hell, dating back to the 70s. I didn't even know it existed until now. I'm telling ya, I'm ready to play as an elf who wields a bow and is friends with little critters and shit. It'll be fun.

I'm totally gonna raid a castle.

But enough about my geeky family (I never realized how geeky we truly are o.O), Rebecca's got some problems with her grandmother. Apparently she had a heart attack or something and is in the hospital as well. Fuck. What is with all these people and getting into the hospital all at the same time? My dad called up mom the other day and she sounded terrible. She was crying and everything, saying "sorry" OVER and OVER again. I couldn't handle it for long, and had to hand the phone back to dad before I could muster a word. My brother Joshua's much better at acting calm than I am. His a pretty nonchalant dude. I think that when he plays TFT, he'll be something of the silent warrior type. I can just feel it, ya know?

Still no dreams, and hardly any sleep. I find myself dozing off in classes instead. I think I need to start taking some sleeping pills or something, because really, this shit is starting to get real ridiculous real fast. I'm even starting to see freakin' bangs under my eyes. Rebecca keeps on telling me I need help.

Yeah, and I'm seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow.


Saturday, February 5, 2011

Is this some sort of sick joke?

Okay, so I checked my email today. Because I totally keep track of it (NOT).

And I see this message:

from---- ---- <>
dateSat, Feb 5, 2011 at 2:06 PM
hide details 2:06 PM (3 hours ago)

are you smiling yet?

If this is spam, it's awfully convenient ain't it? Since I happen to LOVE The Hoosiers. Well guess what? I'm not smiling now. I've been really trying hard to stay happy and now someone has to act like a douche and try to mock my situation with my mother. Obviously this person reads this blog because the only person I ever told about what's currently happening is Rebecca. And she wouldn't do this to me. I know that for a fact. Look, if you're reading this, whoever you are, I don't need your freakin' opinion. Get a freakin' life.

So, mystery troll, since you know how to use youtube so well, here's my response:

Fuck you. Whoever you are.

And I still can't seem to sleep soundly. Fuck.

Maybe watching a walkthrough of Limbo before going to bed wasn't such a good idea...

Well, trolls and my dumb sleeping problems aside, I suggest that everyone on the entire planet, no matter WHAT gender or age you happen to be, watch My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, and watch ALL OF IT. You may think it's just a stupid children's show with no value whatsoever, and you'll be half right. But who the heck cares? This show's writing is genius! And Pinkie Pie's so goddamn awesome, it shouldn't even manner that you're watching a children's show by the time you witness her badassery.


Friday, February 4, 2011

Today Was A Surprisingly Good Day.

The snow is melting and I've received some conformation about the college I plan on attending. And then I see this animated film in the paper called "The Illusionist". Note to self: SEE THIS MOVIE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. In case none of you guys figured it out yet, I'm a big supporter of the animation business, and seeing movies like this fills my heart with hope, even if life isn't exactly the greatest. I've been thinking, why complain when the sun's still out and the sky's still blue? My dad even thought he'd surprise me with all six comic books in the Scott Pilgrim series. Although I'm actually starting to believe that he got it for himself. Believe it or not, my dad's actually quite the avid Scott Pilgrim fan. On the other hand, he seems to feel a bit guilty for the situation we're in. He pushes himself way too hard sometimes. I don't even think he slept last night.

I didn't either, actually. It's really becoming harder and harder to sleep now, and I keep on thinking something's going to grab me in the darkness. A psychiatrist will probably have a field day with me. Speaking of psychiatrists, my dad went to visit my mom's psychiatrist today. He won't tell me what the heck happened there so don't even try to ask. The psychiatrist's name is Dr. Fitzpatrick, and you can tell my dad's pretty agitated with him when the very mention of his name causes a vein to pulse.

I haven't met him yet, so I can't really judge. All I know is that this guy may be as useless and annoying as Ms. Bitch and Mr. Dick, or just useless. And I say yet, because, apparently, he wants to see me next Wednesday. Why? I have no freakin' idea. But I can tell you this, I never enjoyed speaking with psychiatrists.

I'm going to try to go to sleep early tonight. Or something.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Introducing: Ms. Bitch and Mr. Dick!


(Please note these aren't their actual real names. Not even I would do that to them.)

Okay, the picture sucks as hell, but as you can tell, I'm pretty pissed. Why the hell should I give their ugly faces justice?

Just who are these people might you ask? Well they're only the two most evil people in the world right now. Even Hitler cries at the sight of these two. They may seem like nice people who are on your side, but seriously, they don't care a heaping shit about you. Usually the CPS tries to deny this but I see through your soft and fuzzy facade...*narrows eyes in an intimidating manner*

So these guys thought they could just waltz the house I live in and start bossing everyone around like they owned the place. Yeah, I was kind of mad. This isn't the first time they bothered us either. They came to my home almost five months ago and did the exact same thing. Only they didn't consider foster care at the time, and send us a million useless aides that didn't help the situation at all. In fact they made it worse, until dad got the balls to tell them to freakin' leave if they weren't going to help us. Which they did, surprisingly. I haven't met Mr. Dick at the time, but Ms. Bitch, oh God, that bitch. Let's just say I hated her and those fat lips of hers the moment I laid eyes on her.

And yes, she really does have fat lips.

I've met Mr. Dick today, who was apparently supposed to be some sort of assistant to Ms. Bitch. I have to say, this guy's a whole lot better at the sunshine and lollipops masquerade. There are times where he actually seems generally kind. Well, I'm not buying it.

See the thing about me is that you can do whatever the heck you want to me, but when you threaten my family, no matter however you do it, your ass=that patch of grass. My family sticks together 'til the bitter end. Sure, our extended family hates each other, but my father has told me countless times that there's nothing in the world you can trust more than your own family. I'll be damned if these guys place me in a foster home.

Bitch and Dick somehow managed to hook me up in a charming little interview. Just so you know; not charming in the slightest. In fact, it was full of major suckish, and I think I left a bad impression on them.

Here's the transcript, in case any of you are interested. Yeah, I actually recorded that shit.

Ms. Bitch: So Stephanie, we meet again.
Me: Yeah, don’t remind me.
B: Doing okay in school?
Me: Still an Honor Roll student last time I checked. Who’s the bald guy?
B: Oh, this is [REDACTED], he’ll be helping me in aiding your family.
D: Hello. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: Nice to meet you too, I guess.
B: You seem discomforted by us being here. Is something the matter?
Me: Actually, I am. You’re not supposed to be here.
B: Really? Is it because you’re afraid we’re going to give you to foster care?
Me: Wow, I wonder what gave you that idea.
D: We won’t force you to live in a foster home Stephanie, we just want to let you know what options are available.
(I gave Ms. Bitch one of my “looks”.)
Me: Options?!
B: You don’t seem to be happy at this house, and taking care of two young children all by yourself doesn’t seem-
(Here is when I start getting pissed.)
Me: There are plenty of other girls who do this. Some don’t even have a mom.
B: And your mom is currently a danger to you and your siblings.
Me: Bullshit!
(You should’ve seen the look on their faces)
I’m staying here, and that’s final!
B: …I do hope you realize the consequences of your choices Stephanie. What about your younger siblings? Would you rather them stay here, growing up in a life of misery?
Me: I think they are perfectly fine with life right now, you shouldn’t even be worrying about them, or me, or my brother! My dad’s still here.
D: About your dad, [REDACTED] tells me he used to be a Marine.
Me: Is a Marine, what’s your point?
B: We have been informed by your grandmother that due his experiences on the battleground during the War on Terror was a bit hard on him.
Me: SHUT. UP. You don’t know a thing about my father!
B: There had also been instances where your siblings went to school sick or with a dirty diaper.
Me: Stuff happens, but my dad is a wonderful parent.
D: So are you saying, you want your siblings to stay with him?
Me: ……Yes.
B: And that you want to stay with him.
Me: Oh drop it! I’m not doing foster care! I just want my mom back!
B: You’re mother won’t be able to return until she returns back to normal.
Me: Are you serious?! How long do you think that will take?
D: We don’t know yet.
B: She is a danger to the family, Stephanie. We’re jus-
Me: Yeah, I get it. You’re just looking out for my own safety. Child Protection Services right? Bottom line, I don’t want this family torn apart by your folk.
B: We aren’t here to-
Me: We’re done here.

There's a bunch of back and forth between us after this, but you get the idea. My God, I thought these people were supposed to be helpful, not a bunch of stuck up pricks who think they know more than you. But they're gone now, so whatever. At least the house is clean, courtesy of Rebecca. Yesterday she was acting a bit weird though. Asking me if I've been sick lately and shit, can you believe this gal? Honestly, and she wonders what goes on in my head.

Actually, let's not talk about that right now. Haha, you don't WANT to know what goes on in my head.

There's a reason why everyone at my school finds me a tad bit creepy I suppose.
I can't wait to see what worthless shit CPS will send to us now. Altogether now: "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

I need some coffee or something.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

No School Today (AKA Dream Jounrnal #6)

Well that storm from the mid-west finally caught up with us. And as a result; NO SCHOOL. Which is good, because I've been getting sick and tired of school lately. I can't wait 'til I graduate, so I can leave this hell. By the time June comes and goes, I have a feeling things will be easier. I won't lie, there are times where I wonder, what if things will be harder, so hard I won't be able to deal with it any longer, and lose myself like my mom did? You know how when you were a toddler and you couldn't wait until you went to preschool? Remember when you were so excited about trivial things like learning how to tie your shoes, or going to the potty? Remember when guys and girls played with one another without thinking about how cute the other looked? Remember the preteen years, when girls went goo-goo eyes over their male peers, and nobody knew why? Remember watching all of those high school dramas and wishing you were in high school? Remember the first day of high school when you felt like the world was yours and dreaded the "Almighty Seniors"? Remember all of the high school drama and realizing how stupid it all was?

It's amazing how much our perspective can change within the duration of twelve to fourteen years. It seems like it's just yesterday you were this running, jumping, little ball of innocence, before life just takes that innocence, beats the crap out of it, spits on it, and then takes a dump. So now you're this person who hates the world and just want to be left alone to your own misery.

That's how I feel right now.

This isn't the first time this happened, heck I don't think it'll be the last. Seeing the mom you knew since the very second you came into this world, it's not easy to deal with. You want to stay strong, but there's that voice at the back of your head lightly suggesting to "just give up". All chance's you had at a normal life, "It's over". But hey? Whoever said my life was over? I'm pretty sure this just sounds like angst, but my life's always been this way whether I knew it or not. It seems like fate just likes throwing curve balls to my name. Or maybe fate just secretly likes me. I haven't got a clue. And I always ask myself, "why?" Why me?
God, I sound so much like an angsty teenager right now. Thank God for "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World. If there's any song out that just cheers me up, it's that one. I'm listening to it right now.

Thankfully, I have great friends, such as Rebecca, Frank, Leon, Maya... Rebecca came over yesterday as she promised, and we've pretty much been busy fixing up the house, in case they come. Our house was a bit of a mess anyways. Rebecca absolutely loved this place though, probably because it's been here since the early 1900s. It's a pretty old house, with a fireplace and everything. There's even this cool back room in the basement, and a nice little shed. The stairs are so weird, there are two stairs leading to the attic. I guess one isn't enough? We also have a pickax in the basement, you know, in case we get attacked by any robbers. After giving her the unofficial tour of the houses' creepier areas, Rebecca and dad banded together to create this entire work schedule for the rest of us. My hands and knees are still sore. On the bright side, my dad and I made slumgullion, our family's own secret family. My German step-grandfather (he's not my dad's real father) created it when he was in a hurry, and it stuck. That stuff is delicious, and not that hard to make. I would give the entire world the recipe, but it's a family secret, so no. Sorry. But really, it's just a bunch of breakfast items mushed together in one plate of taste-bud goodness. Rebecca's supposed to come again today to help with the kids while my dad goes to work, she's even going to be bringing her own ingredients so she can make clones of her mother's pasta. She's a good friend, even though she's a bit pressing at times. Like with this whole Slender Man thing. I have nothing against anybody who claims to be followed by this guy, but I really don't want to believe that my mother is being chased by some faceless guy in a suit. Just saying.

My mom's still in the psyche ward, haven't got a chance to see her, but really, I don't want to. I do not want to see my mother on some hospital bed, secured so that she doesn't twitch violently, spouting nonsense while the nurses spoon feed her medicine. I'm sorry, but I'm not all for that. Yesterday my Health teacher gave us an interesting lesson on the dangers of LSD, and actually suggested that we take kids to the psyche ward to show them how crazy synthesized drugs made people who grew up in the 60s. UM. NO. Just no. I don't want a bunch of kids to know how terrifying seeing a delusional, crazy person can be. That shit is traumatizing. It's bad enough my sister is crying all the time now, and my littlest brother doesn't even respond to us. Kids won't be able to take that stuff. Even if he was talking about teens, TEENS WON'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT. What, do adults actually think we want to be mindfucked by crap like that? We have enough suicidal teens as it is.

I don't know, adults can be pretty stupid sometimes. My father is scheduled to meet the psychiatrist on Friday. I really want to go with him so I can call his ass out. But my dad won't let me. Understandable, I'll probably only make things worse. The CPS is also supposed to visit sometime this week, I hope it's not today. It bloody well not be today. I don't want to deal with that. I just can't. And when they do come, if they even think about suggesting foster care, I'm locking up the door on them. I don't even care.

In all of the chaos, I managed to have another dream last night. Well ain't that just peachy!

This one was a continuation of the dream with the dog. Remarkably I was lucid dreaming in this one. At first, I was just standing outside the weird "Two of Diamonds"door (as I will call it since Rebecca seems to think it's some sort of playing card). The ash tree sapling grew a bit and it was snowing, the golden retriever that lead me there was a frozen statue. I was like, "whatever", and tried the door again. It opened with the loudest creak I've ever heard and I almost woke up for a second. It was like that one closet door you were always afraid to open. Inside was this big huge chess board that seemed to go on forever. Now I like chess, but I haven't played it since I was in fifth grade. I used to be good too. One kid was nice enough to teach me all of his tricks. I'm kind of sad now that I forgot them all. It just so happened that for no apparent reason, there was this tall black mirror in the center. It was weird, so I went to investigate. I thought this was going to be a whole Harry Potter thing, with showing you what you wished for the most. I thought that would be sort of cool. Sure enough I couldn't see a thing inside the mirror, everything was a blur. I could see the outline of a person, but I'm pretty sure that was me. I think. The moment I touched it, however, I immediately woke up.

Well at least it's better than a basketball.

I wonder why the mirror was blurred though.

Bleh, I better work on my English homework while I have the time.