Dream Journal #7

The child looked at the two strangers. Neither did it smile, or cry. The strangers intrigued her. Were they her 'mama'? One of them smiled at her. Was she 'mama'? Where was mama? Mama? MAMA?



"Oh great, now you're scaring her Charon!"

"Oh, don't worry, shes still not used to us yet. Who's the cute little baby~ You are~ Yes you are!"

MAMA

"Give me her Charon!"

"Oh why?!"

"Give. Her. To. Me."

Before she knew it the child was whisked away into the arms of another.

Papa?

The stranger did not seem to understand the child. But instead looked at her in disgust. "What are we supposed to do with this thing, now that we've got it?"

"I vouche we raise her as our own until the Master comes for her. How about we call her...Sarah! Do you like that name dear?" she asked the baby.

Sarah...

Sarah...

Sarah!

"Aww, she likes it~ Look!" she pointed at the baby's struggling expression. Timothy pursed his lips. "Indeed. Wonder what my idiot brother would've named her. Probably something stupid like Penelope. Did I tell you about that girl he dated? Penelope? Got her pregnant he did, the retarded fool. And now he's gone and impregnated a poor mad woman. Poor soul."

"Yes, she is a poor dear, isn't she. I wonder how she's doing with him. I heard his bite is louder than his bark."

"I call bullshit on that one." said Timothy, rolling his eyes.

Charon went into the kitchen to make some oatmeal to feed the baby, while Timothy engaged himself in a staring contest of the sorts.


....Papa?

"Once this entire ordeal is over with, you'll be soon meeting your REAL Father." 

PAPA 

Dr. Fitzpatrick

Tall, lean. A tad bit pale. Red headed, naturally. Dr. Fitzpatrick, the sort of guy who you can't help but think he was the sort of kid who grew up as a nerd in high school. Or at least, the sort who would've been seen as one. Freckles, those thick rimmed glasses, pens in the breast pocket. The entire deal. He seemed to intimidate Steph when I took her to visit him, along with the physicist. I'm not entirely sure the reason, but psychiatrists seem to irk Steph. A lot, actually. She wouldn't even look at him. But he seemed kind enough. He didn't necessarily show any ill will, and didn't seem to mind my presence. He had even let me come in with her, and watch their session once I told him I was a friend. Although it could be because I had Steph's dream journal.

Steph's still cross with me about that. Although it wasn't like I could ignore it. I looked through some of the pictures, and some of them... they were different from the ones posted online. She was hiding them. I'll try to post them tomorrow, they're strange to say the least. When she said she wasn't dreaming...I think she was lying.

We talked to Dr. Fitzpatrick about the pill. As he described it those were normal side effects, and should wear down shortly. "All stress relievers cause drowsiness", as they are depressants, I suppose. I ask him about lack of dreams, he smiled, stating that a lack of dreams were a normal side effect as well. Then I show him the dream journal. The new images...he said they couldn't be dreams.

How is psychiatrist supposed to know these things anyways?

But he seemed to know what he was doing. His manner was professional, kind. He always looked thoughtful. I tend to like people like that. Somehow they seem trustworthy.

But if Steph wasn't dreaming, what could these images be?

The psychiatrist suggested that Steph was in a fit of inspiration...inspiration to make these?

I don't know.

But after the session, Steph randomly suggested that she went to the park this weekend. Should I let her? She's still kind of sick (even though she insisted she goes to school tomorrow).

We also got to visit her mother today...I was made to stand outside. Steph came out shaken, to the point of tears. She refused to talk about her mother's problems. Mr. Nord (who was off today) was the strongest of the two. But he was just as suspicious of Dr. Fitzpatrick as Steph was, perhaps more so. I asked him why, and he told me that he had no problem with psychology, but Dr. Fitzpatrick is doing it the wrong way. Something about pills, he dislikes them, with a passion it seems.

"Medicine does not cure a person from insanity" was his words.

Which got me thinking about the cure.

I can't help but wonder if it really works.

Well.

I fortified the Nord home. I won't say how because I can't risk Steph getting mad at me, it will only make things worse. In the meantime, I'm going to try to ask her why she wants to go to the park. It's too cold for that.

Perhaps the movies will suit her needs better. I have two tickets. ;]

No School Today (AKA Dream Jounrnal #6)

Well that storm from the mid-west finally caught up with us. And as a result; NO SCHOOL. Which is good, because I've been getting sick and tired of school lately. I can't wait 'til I graduate, so I can leave this hell. By the time June comes and goes, I have a feeling things will be easier. I won't lie, there are times where I wonder, what if things will be harder, so hard I won't be able to deal with it any longer, and lose myself like my mom did? You know how when you were a toddler and you couldn't wait until you went to preschool? Remember when you were so excited about trivial things like learning how to tie your shoes, or going to the potty? Remember when guys and girls played with one another without thinking about how cute the other looked? Remember the preteen years, when girls went goo-goo eyes over their male peers, and nobody knew why? Remember watching all of those high school dramas and wishing you were in high school? Remember the first day of high school when you felt like the world was yours and dreaded the "Almighty Seniors"? Remember all of the high school drama and realizing how stupid it all was?

It's amazing how much our perspective can change within the duration of twelve to fourteen years. It seems like it's just yesterday you were this running, jumping, little ball of innocence, before life just takes that innocence, beats the crap out of it, spits on it, and then takes a dump. So now you're this person who hates the world and just want to be left alone to your own misery.

That's how I feel right now.

This isn't the first time this happened, heck I don't think it'll be the last. Seeing the mom you knew since the very second you came into this world, it's not easy to deal with. You want to stay strong, but there's that voice at the back of your head lightly suggesting to "just give up". All chance's you had at a normal life, "It's over". But hey? Whoever said my life was over? I'm pretty sure this just sounds like angst, but my life's always been this way whether I knew it or not. It seems like fate just likes throwing curve balls to my name. Or maybe fate just secretly likes me. I haven't got a clue. And I always ask myself, "why?" Why me?

God, I sound so much like an angsty teenager right now. Thank God for "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World. If there's any song out that just cheers me up, it's that one. I'm listening to it right now.

Thankfully, I have great friends, such as Rebecca, Frank, Leon, Maya... Rebecca came over yesterday as she promised, and we've pretty much been busy fixing up the house, in case they come. Our house was a bit of a mess anyways. Rebecca absolutely loved this place though, probably because it's been here since the early 1900s. It's a pretty old house, with a fireplace and everything. There's even this cool back room in the basement, and a nice little shed. The stairs are so weird, there are two stairs leading to the attic. I guess one isn't enough? We also have a pickax in the basement, you know, in case we get attacked by any robbers. After giving her the unofficial tour of the houses' creepier areas, Rebecca and dad banded together to create this entire work schedule for the rest of us. My hands and knees are still sore. On the bright side, my dad and I made slumgullion, our family's own secret family. My German step-grandfather (he's not my dad's real father) created it when he was in a hurry, and it stuck. That stuff is delicious, and not that hard to make. I would give the entire world the recipe, but it's a family secret, so no. Sorry. But really, it's just a bunch of breakfast items mushed together in one plate of taste-bud goodness. Rebecca's supposed to come again today to help with the kids while my dad goes to work, she's even going to be bringing her own ingredients so she can make clones of her mother's pasta. She's a good friend, even though she's a bit pressing at times. Like with this whole Slender Man thing. I have nothing against anybody who claims to be followed by this guy, but I really don't want to believe that my mother is being chased by some faceless guy in a suit. Just saying.

My mom's still in the psyche ward, haven't got a chance to see her, but really, I don't want to. I do not want to see my mother on some hospital bed, secured so that she doesn't twitch violently, spouting nonsense while the nurses spoon feed her medicine. I'm sorry, but I'm not all for that. Yesterday my Health teacher gave us an interesting lesson on the dangers of LSD, and actually suggested that we take kids to the psyche ward to show them how crazy synthesized drugs made people who grew up in the 60s. UM. NO. Just no. I don't want a bunch of kids to know how terrifying seeing a delusional, crazy person can be. That shit is traumatizing. It's bad enough my sister is crying all the time now, and my littlest brother doesn't even respond to us. Kids won't be able to take that stuff. Even if he was talking about teens, TEENS WON'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT. What, do adults actually think we want to be mindfucked by crap like that? We have enough suicidal teens as it is.

I don't know, adults can be pretty stupid sometimes. My father is scheduled to meet the psychiatrist on Friday. I really want to go with him so I can call his ass out. But my dad won't let me. Understandable, I'll probably only make things worse. The CPS is also supposed to visit sometime this week, I hope it's not today. It bloody well not be today. I don't want to deal with that. I just can't. And when they do come, if they even think about suggesting foster care, I'm locking up the door on them. I don't even care.


In all of the chaos, I managed to have another dream last night. Well ain't that just peachy!

This one was a continuation of the dream with the dog. Remarkably I was lucid dreaming in this one. At first, I was just standing outside the weird "Two of Diamonds"door (as I will call it since Rebecca seems to think it's some sort of playing card). The ash tree sapling grew a bit and it was snowing, the golden retriever that lead me there was a frozen statue. I was like, "whatever", and tried the door again. It opened with the loudest creak I've ever heard and I almost woke up for a second. It was like that one closet door you were always afraid to open. Inside was this big huge chess board that seemed to go on forever. Now I like chess, but I haven't played it since I was in fifth grade. I used to be good too. One kid was nice enough to teach me all of his tricks. I'm kind of sad now that I forgot them all. It just so happened that for no apparent reason, there was this tall black mirror in the center. It was weird, so I went to investigate. I thought this was going to be a whole Harry Potter thing, with showing you what you wished for the most. I thought that would be sort of cool. Sure enough I couldn't see a thing inside the mirror, everything was a blur. I could see the outline of a person, but I'm pretty sure that was me. I think. The moment I touched it, however, I immediately woke up.

Well at least it's better than a basketball.

I wonder why the mirror was blurred though.

Bleh, I better work on my English homework while I have the time.

Success! (Dream Journal #5)

I've done it!

My first lucid dream!

Even if it wasn't really for that long and I still kind of jumped around!

I've done it!

Heeeeelll yes!

As you can tell, I forgot to shade in my excitement. But who the hell cares!

Yahoo!

...

I should really stop now.

...Yeah, I should really tell you guys (and by "you guys", I mean Rebecca) about the dream....

I was back at the bridge, but much to my disappointment the girl wasn't there. In her place sat a dog, a golden retriever to be exact. He was so cute, wagging his fluffy tail, smiling at me. Suddenly for some reason I checked the time (did I ever mention I'm a time fanatic? I always need to check my watch), and I was like, you know, it's cool. Didn't really think anything of it. Then I was like, "wait", and checked the time again. The numbers were so screwed up I almost panicked and woke up, until I remembered the number one rule of lucid dreaming is to not panic. So I calmed myself down, told myself it was only a dream, so of course crazy stuff's gonna happen. The golden retriever was still there even after all that, it would not go away. It just stood there, doing that head tilt thing. I tried walking away, but always felt compelled to come back to it. Even when lucid dreaming I don't have full control over my dreams. Hmmm....

So eventually I gave in, and asked the dog what the heck it wanted, and it just took off. I had to chase after it, with a couple of dream shortcuts here and there (actually, I have no idea how to use those, plus I got lost once or twice, that weird dog always managed to find me, how does that happen?). He lead me away from the bridge, down this long, windy path (Rebecca, please don't make any Beatles references). Eventually we reached this weird black door (the one pictured in the above picture, only it's black) with a small sapling next to it. The dog stopped next to it, and began waiting. Naturally I thought he wanted me to open the door, but before I could do bloody ANYTHING this freakin' basketball came out of nowhere and hit me in the back of the knee. Excuse me for my French, but WHAT THE FUCK?

Thanks for the wake up call I didn't need :|

Mom's relaxing at the moment, I convinced her to watch TV. She's currently watching the cook for the British queen make some weird chocolate/nuts thing. Yeah...weird. But at least she's happy, and that's all that matters. We also got our taxes back :D

YAAAAAAAAY.

I'm so happy.

Reading some New York Times :3 It feels good to be a yankee.

Tomorrow, I may go to the park, not too sure at the moment...

I'll think about it once I'm done with this here paper. Because the news is the most important thing ever and you better believe it :P (No, not really)

Dream Journal #4 (Her Again)

Haha! Success! I managed to dream about her again! That's a start right? Pretty soon, we'll be having conversations, and I'll be building giant sand blocks from building small sand blocks, and knock those and the giant ones down at the same time! Yeah!

...Sorry, but this is just so exciting!

And the best part is...

I know, it's awesome. Problem is I could hardly hear her. What did she sound like...? ....It was kind of like the wind, her voice; soft, subtle. But I did pick up a couple of words: "Waiting...wants you...stay here, together...park...trees...back...scared..." As you can tell, this makes absolutely no sense. We were in the park again, that much I knew. This time, we were on a bridge, over the creek. She was just standing there, looking at a bunch of fishermen at the falls before she spoke. For a moment, I was afraid she was going to fall again. It sure looked like it. I mean, it really did look like she was slipping through the fence itself. Bah, I don't know.

So, I was dumb and forgot all about lucid dreaming, but it seemed like my dream knew exactly what I wanted to do, because I felt myself drawing nearer to her. Unfortunately she didn't become any louder, just that same soft, gentle voice. I came closer regardless, and I was becoming kind of nervous. I had this sudden surge of terror all of the sudden. It felt like I needed to get out of there, right at that second. I tried screaming at myself to stop, but I wasn't able to control my body. At all. The nearer I went, the more prominent the feeling became. Then, I reach out towards her again, this time I could touch her, and she turned around and...

Oh God.

I woke up immediately, the sheer shock of...

At least she spoke, right? Maybe I can try to work out what the words meant. Although it really seems like a bunch of random stuff, since it was a dream and all. Rebecca, what do you think?


Mom's watching TV right now. Apparently her head hurts real bad, that and she's starting to act nuts again. She's been real forgetful lately. Right now it's just me and her since my dad is at work and my siblings are at school.

It's kind of awkward.

I'm worried (Dream Journal #3)

Mom's been acted weird today... She keeps on bursting out into song at random moments. It's like, out of nowhere, I've noticed she hasn't been acting herself on other days as well. I'm really worried about her. And the thing is...this are all children songs. The sort they would sing in school. Like the ABC song for example; she sang it so fast, I was amazed she got every letter right. And her voice, oh God her voice. It was so high. It was never that high before. And on Friday, she was standing as if she could topple over at any time. I had to push her on her feet at times, and convince her to sit down. She's getting worse. She's always telling me that she's afraid of the CPS coming in and taking us away. I swear, if I hear their name again I'll scream. I keep telling her that we're not going anywhere, but she won't listen. She's always looking out the window, every few seconds. It's really getting out of hand. I don't want to see her do anything that will bring harm to her life.'

We need her.

Dad needs her.

If she goes away, we won't know what to do with ourselves. I don't want her going back to the psyche ward. Not again.



...

I had another weird dream last night.

This one had my mom in it.

We were inside a house that's like the house we're in now, only different. It was designed as one long vertical structure with only one floor. Every room only had two doors. One door lead to a room behind or a room in front. All of the rooms were the normal rooms found in a house. Every part of this house was familiar in some way, yet I was never in a house like this. It felt strange. One room was like a mix between a living room and a computer room. But I only remember the living room part of it. The walls were yellow, and the ground was carpeted. Mom was sitting in a black couch, it was a couch we always had since I was a little kid. My family carried it with them everywhere the went. We used to have two of these couches, but mom threw out one of them. Don't ask me why, because I have absolutely no idea. Above the couch, on the wall, was an old painting. It was a painting given to us by my grandmother on my mom's side. I wish I could show you it, but mom threw that out too. She said it was evil.

It was a nice painting too. It portrayed a horse pulling a cart on a pathway through the woods. I think there were other people there too, I'm not to sure. But I'm pretty certain it was in a park.

I have no idea why mom would think it was evil.

Anyways, there was this sliding door thing, you know, the glass ones. I remember we used to live in a house like this, only the sliding door lead to our backyard. Actually...we lived in two houses like this. However, there was no backyard outside, but our old apartment. The one we used to live in before moving to the house we're in now. It was a blue apartment, that was old and run-down. The lights didn't work in the bathroom and the shower sucked. I think we had termites, because there were holes all over the walls in the bathroom, and this one big hole in my parents bedroom. Apparently there used to be a window there (the apartment also used to have a fireplace, but that was covered up). Then, there were the cracks everywhere, the mice in the basement. The foundation was kind of lopsided too. It sucked (just like the house we live in right now kind of sucks, funny how that happens). My mother was sitting in her couch, across from the window, her face blank and devoid of emotion. The dream ended after we left that house, and went back to the apartment.

But why?

Dream Journal #2

Rebecca, I did what you told me to do and talked with the teacher. She's going to allow me to come during regents week to work on my shirt design. If I finish it, I'll make sure to show you. She was actually kind of nice about it...sort of. On the other hand, I got a 92 in Participation in Government. I'm so happy it's not even funny! I wonder what I got in Trig though...I still need to challenge the exam on Tuesday (and pass). Here's to wishing I finally get out of that class. I hate math. So much.

One of my friends is supposed to come do my hair since it's kind of tangled. Either next week or this weekend; I can't freakin' wait! He won't even tell me what he's going to do, I'm kind of, sort of nervous. Just a little bit. He experiments on hair ALL THE TIME. Most of his "experiments" can seem kind of wacky. But he is good, so..

Ah, who am I kidding?!

I'll upload a pic when I'm done for you Rebecca :D

I also got another dream for you! This one's weird.

I was in the park again, I could tell because I recognized a cliff that was over the creek. There was snow on the ground this time, yet I didn't feel anything, no coldness, no warmth...just nothing. Ahead I could see this girl who was obviously cold. I could see her shivering as she looked over the cliff. I tried calling out her name, but she couldn't hear me, or wasn't listening, I don't know which. But she was so familiar it killed me. I wanted to know who this girl was, so I walked up to her, hand outstretched.

And she fell.

That was the end of it, the dream ended before I can do anything else. I couldn't even save her, I just.

I woke up crying this morning.

P.S. I watched Rebo! The Genetic Opera after begging my dad to get for me. The guy who's going to do my hair showed me one of their songs and I fell in love. It's a pretty good movie, I hated Shiloh though, she just seemed like a stereotypical teenaged brat. I actually couldn't care if she was infected, which is sad. Her father was more sympathetic than her. At least the Graverobber was awesome. Seriously that guy was as sexy as hell :3

Watch it. You won't regret it!

Dream Journal #1

As Rebecca already knows, I was always interested in lucid dreaming. Call me crazy, but the idea of doing whatever you want within a dream, it just seems so cool to me. Dreamland always seemed much better than the real world anyways. It was always a place I could escape to, even during the day. My mom (when she was my mom), used to worry herself over this when I was a kid. She thought there was something wrong with me, I'll never understand it. Really, all I did was daydream during school hours, every kid does it right?

But that wasn't enough.

I want to be able to experience a real dream, and actually control that dream. Kind of like Inception. Only without the sedation chemicals and implanting of dangerous ideas and all that. Seriously, some points in that movie were downright scary. I wonder if my consciousness is as malevolent as Mr. Cobb. Mal is freakin' effed up!

I started researching lucid dreaming about a week ago. I'm currently in the dream recall stage, I can't seem to be able to recall dreams by myself unfortunately, but I did manage to buy myself an extra sketchbook on Sunday. Just writing out my dream doesn't do it for me, so I decided to go with the art. Fitting, yes? I was kind of hoping I would have a dream on Monday but didn't. Actually, I didn't dream at all this week except for yesterday. I have the picture and everything.

I'm such a great artist right?

Come on, you know it's true (haha).


But enough talk about my art, let me see if I can remember some details of my dream...


Um.

Alright, so I was swinging in my dream, which was weird since I was talking about swinging just two days ago. I don't know why I dreamed about swinging on a rope though. Although I did get to swing on the rope in gym class yesterday. It was awesome too, because the rope was just like that. Or gym teacher helped tie it for us. One of the guys, Dennis, pushed me too hard. I'm telling you, I was screaming. Anyways, in my dream, I was swinging on this rope swing, and I was in the park. I can't remember what the park looked like, but it seemed vaguely familiar. I didn't know why, it just did. I remember wanting to swing higher, and higher, and before I knew it the park disappeared from underneath me, and all I could see was the blue sky and some clouds. Higher and higher I swung, until I was way over the Earth's atmosphere. It felt so blissful, being in space. The moon was right above me, just one more strong swing and I knew I could touch it. I don't know if I touched it or not, that part is very fuzzy. According to the picture I did. The last thing I remember before waking up was the knot becoming loosened, and falling.

I'm supposed to be taking note of reoccurring signs in my own dreams. Somehow I feel like I'll be in this park a lot, call it a hunch. But I'm usually right about this stuff, although Rebecca would probably say otherwise. I can't wait until I'm able to actually lucid dream, but for now I'm going to take it slow. I don't want to end up like Mr. Cobb now!

Now all I got to do is wait for Rebecca to try and interpret this dream (haha).

P.S. As it turns out, I'm not the only one out there with a crazy mom. Had an interesting talk with my Participation in Government teacher yesterday about a girl who takes care of her family because her mother is having "problems". They don't even have a house, they live in a train station! It's so sad. I really want to meet this girl now.