Friday, February 18, 2011

I made up my mind

I've been juggling between showing these or not.

They make me feel funny. Like I stare at them and I have butterflies in my stomach. I recognize some from my dreams, and a few from memory. But something didn't feel right. Some of them don't look like my art style at all. They look like a child drew them. And my eye keeps getting distracted by certain renderings. There's always this feeling that these pictures are hiding something. And I drew most of them randomly, like some burst of inspiration took over me. I don't even know what I was thinking when I made these. All I know was that I needed to draw.

I always need to draw of course, but this was different. The psychiatrist assured me I was just having a creative moment and that there's nothing to worry about. Well that's fine and dandy, but...some of these aren't really that creative.

Here take a look:

The first four are obvious continuations of the dream with the mirror...I think....

The last two seem...familiar somehow. Like, I know the second last is a dream I had as a kid. I was in Hawaii because my father was at bootcamp for the...marines? Rangers? One of them two, I can't remember. But we lived there until I was almost five, it was nice. We had this nice home, this nice church, the school I went to was amazing. I was this big tomboy girl who played sports and got her hands dirty. It was great. But I had this dream one night. I was in my white metal framed bed, both the covers and blanket were Barney, because I liked Barney as a kid (shut up). I was scared for some reason, even though I could see that.....Shadow.....Moonlight.....a black cat I had as a kid was laying down at the foot of the bed, keeping an eye on me like she always did (I miss her....or him...pretty sure it was a 'she'). But I was still scared. I looked to the left and saw shadows of.......disembodied limbs. Here's a tip to anyone who feels like they'll get a kick out of freaking the hell out of me:

Disembodied limbs creep the FUCK out of me.

I quickly ducked under my covers, because frankly I most likely pissed my sheets like I always did as a kid (I was potty trained late, shut up). But I could still see them. And I screamed, I screamed, I freakin' screamed. Wouldn't be surprised if I screamed in real life too. Fuck.

But then...I heard a noise.

The sound of drums. Marching drums. And the sound of a thousand soldiers singing in tune. Curious, I got out from underneath my blanket, and walked down this huge floor that was supposed to belong to my bedroom I guess. I think it was wooden. There was only one window, and two doors and my room, and a bed. There was nothing else (excluding what's-her/his-name). No toys or dolls or shit. Just an ominous feeling and the urge get sick. Outside the window, was a tree, and I realize that this tree was the thing that made the shadows. I was less afraid...until I saw what the sounds meant. There was a war. And my dad was in it.

The very last one, was me at the swings before I met Rebecca. The only problem is I specifically remember being on the right swing and Rebecca on the left. Maybe an error of judgment? I have no freakin' idea. But the words. "Come." A message, no doubt.

I feel like the other pictures have some sort of message in them as well. Call it a hunch, but Rebecca always talks about the subconcious and crap. And as an artist I always have this urge to use symbolism in my work...

I didn't want to show these pictures because I knew they would worry some people, and obviously they seem capable about it since you know....why? Just why? And since Rebecca just so happened to find them and tell practically everyone in the world about them I suppose I have no choice. And I see some of you watchers seem to be friendly with Rebecca or something, so yeah, what the fuck. Ugh....I hate this. I still feel sick, and I have a huge headache now. Good thing I have next week off. Now I can sleep. Haha, it almost seems like sleep is my only sanctuary. I almost feel like sleeping forever....

And ever.....

And ever.....

That would be nice right? If we could do that and still dream?

Then again, I don't exactly "dream" anymore.


I'm lost in one.


  1. Steph.

    Answer me honestly.

    Is this medicine really working for you?

    Are you breaking?

    Do you want me to get you out of that house because I could if you want.

  2. No, no, and no.

    I said it was a hunch. Doesn't mean it's true. And I'm not about to go nuts about this like my mom did.

    Honestly all I need is sleep right now, and the psychiatrist said that the side effects will gradually get better. It won't be for a month until they start lowering my prescribed amount of drugs I should take, maybe less. I don't know how it works exactly. But I am not going to freakin' break. Why the hell would you say that shit?

  3. I just...

    The way the art changes Steph.

    It worries me. That last bit isn't your art all.

    It looks like it was made by a crazy person.

  4. Has it ever occurred to you how tired these pills make me feel? It was fine at first, but after a while the pills make you feel like you need to finish something before you go sleep. It's the same with schoolwork.

    I am not that crazy. I'm crazy, but not that crazy.

    What about you? What's all this about "Redlight" and "killing innocents" and shit.

    And "Slender Man"? God Rebecca, we've been over this. HE. DOES NOT. EXIST.

    Holy freakin' crap. I wonder who's crazier.

  5. Uh, okay.

    Steph, I'm sorry.

    I probably shouldn't have wrote those things.

  6. You better damn well be sorry, now can I go to sleep now? Yes? Thank you!

    Oh and movies?

    You shouldn't have.

    You might as well bring Frank too. That way we can go shopping after the movie and act like we're divas on the runway.

    And then we can both make out like we're hot lesbians.

    Seriously, I don't want to see another movie like Black Swan EVER AGAIN.

    How about we watch I Am Number Four instead? If Frank complains tell him we won't help him catch a new hot boyfriend.

  7. I'm still gonna go to the park though.

    I have an entire week to myself ;P