Destination: Buffalo Psychiatric Center

Is a go.

I have a lead guys. Although I have my doubts. But according to Dr. Fitzpatrick, I should check the Buffalo Psychiatric Center for her. Since they would most likely send her there. It seemed that he didn't want to say anything about my mother, he actually seemed more interested in me. When I told him the news, he was genuinely worried. I could tell, he had that look in his eyes. He kept me in his office, making other people wait just to talk to me. We spoke about a lot of things, mainly my future, school, family life, Frank. Clearly he didn't want me to leave my house, and I can't blame him. This is a bit of a risk. But a risk I must take. I'm sure Dr. Fitzpatrick, and dad, will realize this in the long run.

I asked Dr. Fitzpatrick if there was anything else he could tell me about my mom. Anything at all. She said she believed she was stalked by someone...you have to wonder, what if this was him? I had hoped she gave some description on this stalker's appearance. And well...I'll just give you guys the entire conversation.


(I enter Dr. Fitzpatrick's office after HOURS of waiting)

Fitzpatrick: Ah, Steph. Good to see you. Come in. I heard about your friends funeral. Terrible...

Me: Doctor, I'm not here for that. There's more pressing matters going right now.

F: Hmm? Like what? Something wrong Stephanie?

M: Oh nothing much. I just came hoping to find out more about my mother.

F: That again? Stephanie I am as clueless as you are on the events following your mother's graduation and I've already said far too much on the subject.

M: But Doctor, this isn't about the stupid incident at the air force boot camp, this is about that stalker you told me about before. Remember? The guy that my mom claimed was stalking her? You told me when I was in the hospital?

F: Oh yes, the business man.

M: So this guy was a business man?

F: Oh yeah, a tall fellow too.

M: (It finally hits me) Slender Man!

F: What?

M: Uh...oh! Oh nothing! Just an internet fad that came to mind. I tend to...shout....these random... (I notice he was writing stuff down, bastard) Yeah.

F(muttering): Hm....Stephanie, if something's on my mind you know you can share anything with me. It's my job to be right here so you have someone to share your problems with, after all.

Are you worried about your mother by any chance?

M: Oh, yeah! Speaking of which, I wanted to ask something if you don't mind.

F: Ask me anything. Remember, I'm here for you.

M: Yeah, well...my mother.

(I take a deep breath)

Where did they send my mom?

(there was a temporary awkward silence between us.)

F: Uh, Stephanie...I can't exactly share this information with you. It's very confidential an-

M: Please Dr. Fitzpatrick! I need to know where she is! She can be in danger! And if I stay we'll all be in danger!

F: What are you talking about, Stephanie?!

(Yeah, I sort of completely lose it)

M: Even you Doctor!

I can't fucking stay here and wait for everyone to die!

So Dr. Fitzpatrick knows about my journey away from home. He didn't approve at first. I think he still doesn't approve. I could tell he was considering sending the police after me, he even had the balls to remind me that the police would start looking for me no matter what. But it's not like I'm not aware that this might fail and everyone may get into big trouble because of me, but it's better than everyone dying. I don't need any blood on my hands at the age of seventeen. But Dr. Fitzpatrick looked like he didn't want to do it, send the cops after me I mean. I'm starting to think there may be some compassion in that doctorate heart of his. Although there was also some fear in there too. After I spilled the beans we both talked for awhile. He was nice, not amazing, but not bad either. I refuse to say I'm in debt to him though, even though he was kind enough to lend me some money that I used to buy some Raspberry Soy Cappuccino. That's some amazing stuff! You should try it Rebecca and internet! Seriously!

LET ME TORTURE YOU UNTIL THEN.

<3


(In case you haven't notice they have Mardi Gra stuff up. The Mardi Gra celebration was yesterday and apparently I missed it. But supposedly it was just a bunch of people getting drunk anyways, so it probably doesn't matter. But I'm still kind of upset. I was almost tempted to pick up a necklace off the sidewalk. They STILL haven't cleaned shit up around here. Buffalo, I swear.)

Like I said before I have my doubts about the psychiatric center, but I always wanted to go inside of it. It's kind of old, so that's the reason why. It's actually a national landmark, and dates back to 1870. History and old buildings in general always fascinated me, mainly because I was this big paranormal fanatic in my early years of highs school....

Frank and I went into an abandoned house once ya know, with some pagan friend of his. We used to think it might be haunted, we saw weird faces in the windows, and heard noises in a basement. Once we saw something...something floating. The pagan friend finally told us whatever was in there...was evil...

I'm sorry, bad memories.

Ugh.

Anyways, part of that Freshman in me likes to think this place might be haunted. But at the same time I hope it isn't.


Speaking of hauntings. Ever realized that there are more people in the same boat as you in your area than you thought?

Saw this on the bus ride to school this morning. I had to force one of my friends to move before I could capture it on my phone...he was pretty pissed. But I think it might be relevant. Funny thing is it was by Utica Station, so I'm thinking this person took the bus to the station, and meant to go downtown. But then again...he or she probably wasn't being stalked at all, and was just some random ghetto person who thought they were being cool. But it was interesting to see on a bus ride to school, especially with all the stuff around it. You gotta love Buffalo. So much graffiti here :/ (travel from downtown, down Seneca, you'll see graffiti of the phrase "Atak" everywhere).

But I'm not Utica if that's what you guys think. Currently I'm lounging at the library typing this up.


...And I may be kicked off the computer soon.


Alright I'm off!

Jeez...

Sorry about not posting yesterday guys (I'm back, by the way)

I was busy....reading stuff....on this Slender Man dude. Okay, can someone say Creeperstein? How many people does this guy stalk anyways? I lost count after the tenth blog (not that I was counting in the first place). Yes, I admit, I was sort of stupid to believe that this shit wasn't real. I realize that now. But since he just killed my best friend I suppose I have no choice now don't I? I mean, what if this guy's stalking me too? I bet he's out there right now, looking out my window...

Only he's not. Heh.

I wonder why, is he busy with all of these other people? Does he follow some sort of schedule? Some people say he can travel through time and space (does this mean he's an extra dimensional alien?), Rebecca had to explain the entire thing to me, and why he managed to disappear with Frank right in front of my eyes. I'm still shaken up about that. I think about him all the time you know? I keep thinking about him, that day, and Frank. But there's always someone else there, someone watching. I know who she is, I know I see her before, but now that she's bothering my friends I want to know her name, her address, everything so I can beat the crap out of her.

Yeah, I'm mad, I'm mad as hell. But it's not Rebecca's fault, so I can't blame her. I don't even know who to blame for all this. I guess I blame myself... even though Rebecca insists that I'm not to blame. "Everyone is in the same boat, some have it worse then others". Who's everyone? The people who write the blogs and post videos on Youtube? Or everyone, everyone. You guys believe that writing about him would make him stronger right? Tulpa Effect or something? So why the hell we do it? I'm an optimist so I like to think it's a sort of confidence booster. Sure, a lot of these blogs are tragic to read, I think I cried once or twice last night. But at the same time reading the blogs touched my heart in a weird, fluttery, way. It makes me want to join them, but as Rebecca said countless times, I really can't. That is unless Josh here can learn to take care of himself. *glares*

I know where I would go if I were to run. New York City. It worked for M right? And I do live in Buffalo. So, why the hell not? I think I thought about stowing away on an airplane during my stay in the hospital... I was pretty depressed. You may not realize it with the way I act around people, but I'd like to say I cried enough to fill a pool. A small pool, not a public pool, but you get the idea. I was supposed to watch Repaul's Drag Race and be tested on it by him. But I can't do that now, I guess. I was really looking forward to it too.

We were also supposed to go to college together, in California. We both got accepted and I already sent most of my stuff in.

Fuck my life.

And to any gay/drag haters right now I want to say one thing from the bottom of my heart: Just once, can you bring yourself to have a bit of compassion? If not, well fuck you then. Everyone have a moment of silence for Frank Anthony Williams Jr.

The watermark at the beginning ruins it, but it's the thought that counts right? Sorry for stealing your picture Rebecca...

I know, it sucks, but I spent all night working on it.

The funeral is this Saturday. There's not going to be a wake. I think they're going to cremate his body and bury the ashes. Or something like that. I'm not sure what they'll do, I've never had to go to a funeral before.

Nobody close to me has died before.

I'm borrowing my mom's little black dress, she has no need for it at the moment, now that she's away. Oh right, didn't I tell you guys? They sent her away to some other hospital, the bastards. Now Dr. Fitzpatrick is completely in charge of me at the moment. I can't say whether or not he's particularly happy, but I'd say he's close to being upset. Well, at least I managed to spend some "quality time" with my mother before she left. And what did I do? I asked her the most idiotic question you could ask your sick mother. I asked her what she knew about Slender Man. Like I said, not the best idea in the world. I have never seen her so angry, I swear she was about to choke me. It's funny, I was more focused on defending myself against the white coats that were trying to restrain her as oppose to defending myself against my crazed mother. Because, she was, you know, my mother. I didn't want to see a bunch of jerks in white holding her down like that regardless of how insane she supposedly is. They make her out to be stupid. Let me tell you this, I know she knows something. Something just keeps her from saying anything, whether it be fear or something else. She started laughing immediately once they managed to hold her down, but I swear she was crying. I could see tears forming from her eyes.

They didn't let me see her again after that. But I managed to talk to Dr. Fitzpatrick about her. Guess what? Apparently he knew her from the time she was my age (actually two years younger). She always had problems, he said. She always would claim that she could see a man, stalking her day in night; on the streets, in her home, in her dreams. Apparently it all began with the death of a best friend, it drove her into a depression worse then mine (although according to him I'm handling this well, yay me). A few months later she met a guy who was supposed to comfort her, she expected him to comfort her, but it turns out he was a jerk who cheated on her and left her when he got another girl pregnant. Something along those lines. My memory's kind of hazy. Once again she went into a state of depression, almost breaking and losing her mind to grief. Church saved her, she actually told me this. Don't ask me how or why, I'm not much of a church person myself to be honest, but the hope that they gave her kept her together. Dr. Fitzpatrick told me he left her alone during those times. But then, some months after her graduation, he heard word that she had come back from boot camp in the Air Force which she planned on going to after high school (I know this because I read her yearbook from the 80s, yeah I'm such a bad girl). I asked him why she was brought back, he told me that she was suffering from psychosis at the time, and having Bi-polar like symptoms at the time. He didn't know what actually happened at the boot camp, apparently. This time it was my dad that saved her. I asked him if he ever witnessed any instances where mom went batshit insane before. He says no, but I feel like he's lying. He wouldn't look me in the face and started crying and hugging me, whispering that we would get through this together. I think that he thought I was bothered by something....

He's right, but I'm not going to tell him anything until he gives me answers. In the meantime I'm going to contact the mysterious troll (or "Bitch" as Rebecca calls her) since apparently she hates Rebecca. And who could blame her? (I'm kidding, by the way).

In the meantime I'll continue to plan for....

Yeah. I don't even think I want to watch Repaul anymore. Not even in his memory.

Tripping Wizards

Totally dude.

So our little helper person thing the CPS sent us came to visit. And apparently I missed her...

D'oh!

I blame the buses. Our transport here sucks. And it was cold as hell. At least I got to listen to some nice people talk about their travels. Seriously, these people have been to Ireland, England, Mexico, Belgium, Germany, France, and Sicily...they're freakin' awesome. One of the two even lived in California for a time. She had this great description going on about one of the earthquakes. Makes me glad there ain't any earthquakes up here. And apparently, they charge a lot of money for harley shirts in England. Not that I'm much of a saleswoman.

Haha! Let in the tourest jokes!

...Right, anyways; Social Workers.

My dad didn't like her. From his own words, she was "disgusting". Yay, I like the sound of this arrangement already. My dad wrote a story about our situation last night, fiction of course, as a sort of testament to mom. Turns out this social worker hated it. Well. HATER'S GONNA HATE. I honestly liked the story. It had a surreal thing going on with a demonic evil haunting my mom and stuff, driving her to insanity. Pretty solid story. I don't know why people have no sense of imagination these days. It blows my mind sometimes.

As it turns out, my dad was inspired to become a writer thanks to tabletop roleplay. Now, I'd like you folks to know that I am an avid roleplayer, I have so many characters on hold, it ain't even funny, (I guess it runs in the family huh?), so when my dad tells me he's planning on getting us the entire set of The Fantasy Trip, of course I'd be freakin' excited! This game, it's freakin' old as hell, dating back to the 70s. I didn't even know it existed until now. I'm telling ya, I'm ready to play as an elf who wields a bow and is friends with little critters and shit. It'll be fun.

I'm totally gonna raid a castle.

But enough about my geeky family (I never realized how geeky we truly are o.O), Rebecca's got some problems with her grandmother. Apparently she had a heart attack or something and is in the hospital as well. Fuck. What is with all these people and getting into the hospital all at the same time? My dad called up mom the other day and she sounded terrible. She was crying and everything, saying "sorry" OVER and OVER again. I couldn't handle it for long, and had to hand the phone back to dad before I could muster a word. My brother Joshua's much better at acting calm than I am. His a pretty nonchalant dude. I think that when he plays TFT, he'll be something of the silent warrior type. I can just feel it, ya know?

Still no dreams, and hardly any sleep. I find myself dozing off in classes instead. I think I need to start taking some sleeping pills or something, because really, this shit is starting to get real ridiculous real fast. I'm even starting to see freakin' bangs under my eyes. Rebecca keeps on telling me I need help.

Yeah, and I'm seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow.

:|

No School Today (AKA Dream Jounrnal #6)

Well that storm from the mid-west finally caught up with us. And as a result; NO SCHOOL. Which is good, because I've been getting sick and tired of school lately. I can't wait 'til I graduate, so I can leave this hell. By the time June comes and goes, I have a feeling things will be easier. I won't lie, there are times where I wonder, what if things will be harder, so hard I won't be able to deal with it any longer, and lose myself like my mom did? You know how when you were a toddler and you couldn't wait until you went to preschool? Remember when you were so excited about trivial things like learning how to tie your shoes, or going to the potty? Remember when guys and girls played with one another without thinking about how cute the other looked? Remember the preteen years, when girls went goo-goo eyes over their male peers, and nobody knew why? Remember watching all of those high school dramas and wishing you were in high school? Remember the first day of high school when you felt like the world was yours and dreaded the "Almighty Seniors"? Remember all of the high school drama and realizing how stupid it all was?

It's amazing how much our perspective can change within the duration of twelve to fourteen years. It seems like it's just yesterday you were this running, jumping, little ball of innocence, before life just takes that innocence, beats the crap out of it, spits on it, and then takes a dump. So now you're this person who hates the world and just want to be left alone to your own misery.

That's how I feel right now.

This isn't the first time this happened, heck I don't think it'll be the last. Seeing the mom you knew since the very second you came into this world, it's not easy to deal with. You want to stay strong, but there's that voice at the back of your head lightly suggesting to "just give up". All chance's you had at a normal life, "It's over". But hey? Whoever said my life was over? I'm pretty sure this just sounds like angst, but my life's always been this way whether I knew it or not. It seems like fate just likes throwing curve balls to my name. Or maybe fate just secretly likes me. I haven't got a clue. And I always ask myself, "why?" Why me?

God, I sound so much like an angsty teenager right now. Thank God for "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World. If there's any song out that just cheers me up, it's that one. I'm listening to it right now.

Thankfully, I have great friends, such as Rebecca, Frank, Leon, Maya... Rebecca came over yesterday as she promised, and we've pretty much been busy fixing up the house, in case they come. Our house was a bit of a mess anyways. Rebecca absolutely loved this place though, probably because it's been here since the early 1900s. It's a pretty old house, with a fireplace and everything. There's even this cool back room in the basement, and a nice little shed. The stairs are so weird, there are two stairs leading to the attic. I guess one isn't enough? We also have a pickax in the basement, you know, in case we get attacked by any robbers. After giving her the unofficial tour of the houses' creepier areas, Rebecca and dad banded together to create this entire work schedule for the rest of us. My hands and knees are still sore. On the bright side, my dad and I made slumgullion, our family's own secret family. My German step-grandfather (he's not my dad's real father) created it when he was in a hurry, and it stuck. That stuff is delicious, and not that hard to make. I would give the entire world the recipe, but it's a family secret, so no. Sorry. But really, it's just a bunch of breakfast items mushed together in one plate of taste-bud goodness. Rebecca's supposed to come again today to help with the kids while my dad goes to work, she's even going to be bringing her own ingredients so she can make clones of her mother's pasta. She's a good friend, even though she's a bit pressing at times. Like with this whole Slender Man thing. I have nothing against anybody who claims to be followed by this guy, but I really don't want to believe that my mother is being chased by some faceless guy in a suit. Just saying.

My mom's still in the psyche ward, haven't got a chance to see her, but really, I don't want to. I do not want to see my mother on some hospital bed, secured so that she doesn't twitch violently, spouting nonsense while the nurses spoon feed her medicine. I'm sorry, but I'm not all for that. Yesterday my Health teacher gave us an interesting lesson on the dangers of LSD, and actually suggested that we take kids to the psyche ward to show them how crazy synthesized drugs made people who grew up in the 60s. UM. NO. Just no. I don't want a bunch of kids to know how terrifying seeing a delusional, crazy person can be. That shit is traumatizing. It's bad enough my sister is crying all the time now, and my littlest brother doesn't even respond to us. Kids won't be able to take that stuff. Even if he was talking about teens, TEENS WON'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT. What, do adults actually think we want to be mindfucked by crap like that? We have enough suicidal teens as it is.

I don't know, adults can be pretty stupid sometimes. My father is scheduled to meet the psychiatrist on Friday. I really want to go with him so I can call his ass out. But my dad won't let me. Understandable, I'll probably only make things worse. The CPS is also supposed to visit sometime this week, I hope it's not today. It bloody well not be today. I don't want to deal with that. I just can't. And when they do come, if they even think about suggesting foster care, I'm locking up the door on them. I don't even care.


In all of the chaos, I managed to have another dream last night. Well ain't that just peachy!

This one was a continuation of the dream with the dog. Remarkably I was lucid dreaming in this one. At first, I was just standing outside the weird "Two of Diamonds"door (as I will call it since Rebecca seems to think it's some sort of playing card). The ash tree sapling grew a bit and it was snowing, the golden retriever that lead me there was a frozen statue. I was like, "whatever", and tried the door again. It opened with the loudest creak I've ever heard and I almost woke up for a second. It was like that one closet door you were always afraid to open. Inside was this big huge chess board that seemed to go on forever. Now I like chess, but I haven't played it since I was in fifth grade. I used to be good too. One kid was nice enough to teach me all of his tricks. I'm kind of sad now that I forgot them all. It just so happened that for no apparent reason, there was this tall black mirror in the center. It was weird, so I went to investigate. I thought this was going to be a whole Harry Potter thing, with showing you what you wished for the most. I thought that would be sort of cool. Sure enough I couldn't see a thing inside the mirror, everything was a blur. I could see the outline of a person, but I'm pretty sure that was me. I think. The moment I touched it, however, I immediately woke up.

Well at least it's better than a basketball.

I wonder why the mirror was blurred though.

Bleh, I better work on my English homework while I have the time.

Was It In My Mind?

Or was it reality?

I don’t even know if I want to know anymore.

I can’t even remember how it happened.

It was just so sudden. I….I don’t even want to talk about it, but I have to. No, I need to. I need to know whether or not I’m actually crazy and this is actually some real shit. I know I shouldn’t expect anything, but this is just too…I don’t know…it’s too…

AH! I DON’T KNOW!

WHAT WAS THAT THING? WHAT WAS IT?

WHERE DID IT EVEN COME FROM?

I’m sitting here…biting my freakin’ skin off. My mom’s hysterical. What the fuck is going on? Last night, my mom was perfectly fine! Perfectly normal, perfectly happy! She was watching cartoons with the kids, she didn’t even care, she was happy. I was happy that she was happy. It was just nice, family bonding time. Then the freakin’ TV cut out, mom goes nuts. Next thing I know, this THING. This…weird…tall…FACELESS THING, appears out of FREAKIN’ NOWHERE. And I saw it for, what? A second? Before it freakin’ disappears, REAPPEARS CLOSER. Now the lights start blinking, and the kids start crying their asses off. I was sitting there, mouth gaped open, trying to scream, I wanted to scream. No sound came out of my mouth, but I could hear my mom scream just fine. And I didn’t do a fucking thing as the creature edged closer to her, before disappearing AGAIN. The TV came on again, but the sound was all jumbled, damn kids were balling their eyes out. And I just sat there.

I think I was crying too. In fact I’m pretty sure I was crying. I was pretty fucking terrified. I think I pissed in my pants, I have no fucking clue. I was scared as shit. The thing disappeared, reappeared again, but now was right in front of my mom, ready to eat her head off. Its face was now DEFORMED, or maybe it was still faceless and I thought it was deformed. THAT FACE PLAYS TRICKS WITH YOUR FREAKIN’ HEAD.

THEN THE TV GETS BACK TO NORMAL, AND THE LIGHTS STOP BLINKING. AND IT’S GONE. IT WAS FUCKING GONE. But my mom. MY MOM WAS BLEEDING FROM THE NOSE.(Okay no big deal, but still!)

WHAT.

WHAT IS….that thing. Please tell me what it was. Was it a demon, and an angel, a ghost, a flippin’ fairy?

I want to know…

I want to know that I’m not dreaming, Rebecca…

I want to know that you’re all real…

My mom.

She keeps screaming.

THEY’RE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY!

Why?

…

I can’t deal with this. It's too much…

Long Day

Black Swan was....errrr....interesting. WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME THERE WAS LESBIAN SEX IN IT? *shudders* Not again. Not again. And Rebecca didn't seem bothered at all. I'm starting to think she's secretly a lesbian. But if that's the case...DID SHE HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME THIS ENTIRE TIME?

....No...that's just stupid. Plus I don't really want to think about that right now. It's bad enough I've never had a boyfriend in my life. I wouldn't know how to deal with having a girlfriend. Not to mention I'm straight...or at least I think I am.

Let's just say I'm leaning towards bi-curious and leave it at that. God.

After the movie we went to Starbucks as planned, and surprise, surprise Frank was there. With another boyfriend. *facepalm* I swear, that guy gets a new boyfriend every week, but I'm not going to judge him. Much. He actually offered to buy us all drinks, which is surprising because he is sort of conceited. But whatever, I wasn't complaining! I still have the taste of honey and cinnamon flavored mocha in my mouth! Frank was right, that stuff is good! I might even buy it every day before going to school (if I had the money, that is, I'm flat broke). We had a very nice talk with his friends about public transportation. Frank had to mention the time I got off at the wrong station. I....I don't want to talk about it. Once we got to zombiefied monkeys, Frank ended the conversation and left to go visit a "friend's house". Yeah, because I totally believed him for a second. My theory is that he was planning on getting drunk that night.

Only Frank!

Rebecca and I FINALLY got some time to ourselves, and she immediately started talking about mom. Her reasoning is that in order to help cure her we had to know what drove her over the edge in the first place. So she gave me the longest interview I ever had, and I must say it was one of the hardest. I felt pretty bad about relying this entire episode to her, and as much as I would love to share this with the world, I just can't. I trust Rebecca enough to do the same. It's just...hopeless. Hopeless! I couldn't even do anything either. And now as it seems we're low on money until the taxes come back. WHEN? Today? Tomorrow? Monday? Ugh, I can't take this any longer. Luckily, Rebecca was understanding throughout the entire thing. It's good to know that you have friends who will always be there for you. I really don't know what I'll do without Rebecca sometimes. She suggested that I do whatever I can to help mom relax, and keep an eye on her at all times. Watching TV seems to work for her, so I'll start doing that. In the meant time, Rebecca has this theory that mom has a split personality. It sounds kind of crazy to me, but it does explain why she's not the same mom I used to know, and her "episodes". Honestly, if there's a way to get rid of one personality and just have the old one, that'll be great. Rebecca advised me against this though, she said something about how the other personality is apart of my mom or something like that. I can't really remember. I just hope she gets better...

Rebecca also told me that I should go back to the park some time soon, and start exploring a bit, try to get a feel for my childhood. Literally "walking down memory lane". She seems to think that this will somehow spark lost memories that might aide in discovering the identity of that girl. I don't think it'll work, but we'll see. On the other hand, she might in fact be just some random girl on the street, so Rebecca told me to study the faces of everyone I meet on my daily routes. Yeah, the whole park theory is starting to make more sense than that. I'm pretty sure I feel better just doing that. For now Rebecca advised me against speaking to her based off of the events of the last dream.

Honestly, that looks like the best thing I can do right now.

I saw that Rebecca had a small notebook with her before we left the coffee shop. She better not have been taking notes of me.

Rebecca seems to think she's going to become some sort of psychiatrist when she grows up. Want to know what I think? She should really stick to dancing. Psychiatry won't work out for her.

I'll be leaving soon to meet Rebecca at her house, we're going to be going out to watch Black Swan since Rebecca still hasn't seen it. From what she heard about it, she thinks it will be a great opportunity to address lights and darks (whatever that means), but I think she's just in it for the Swan Lake. Since she's a, you know, dancer and all. Afterwords we'll be going to the Starbucks downtown to discuss mom, and that weird girl. She tells me it's "very important that you understand the predicament you're in".

Yeah, yeah. Like living with absolutely no money for an entire week didn't give our family the hint.

Frank called a while ago, said something came up so he won't be able to do my hair. I was looking forward to getting a new hair do too. Kind of lame. Hopefully we can work something out, since he did say he's still going to try to do it. At least before the prom.

I don't even know if I want to go to the prom this year.

Dream Journal #4 (Her Again)

Haha! Success! I managed to dream about her again! That's a start right? Pretty soon, we'll be having conversations, and I'll be building giant sand blocks from building small sand blocks, and knock those and the giant ones down at the same time! Yeah!

...Sorry, but this is just so exciting!

And the best part is...

I know, it's awesome. Problem is I could hardly hear her. What did she sound like...? ....It was kind of like the wind, her voice; soft, subtle. But I did pick up a couple of words: "Waiting...wants you...stay here, together...park...trees...back...scared..." As you can tell, this makes absolutely no sense. We were in the park again, that much I knew. This time, we were on a bridge, over the creek. She was just standing there, looking at a bunch of fishermen at the falls before she spoke. For a moment, I was afraid she was going to fall again. It sure looked like it. I mean, it really did look like she was slipping through the fence itself. Bah, I don't know.

So, I was dumb and forgot all about lucid dreaming, but it seemed like my dream knew exactly what I wanted to do, because I felt myself drawing nearer to her. Unfortunately she didn't become any louder, just that same soft, gentle voice. I came closer regardless, and I was becoming kind of nervous. I had this sudden surge of terror all of the sudden. It felt like I needed to get out of there, right at that second. I tried screaming at myself to stop, but I wasn't able to control my body. At all. The nearer I went, the more prominent the feeling became. Then, I reach out towards her again, this time I could touch her, and she turned around and...

Oh God.

I woke up immediately, the sheer shock of...

At least she spoke, right? Maybe I can try to work out what the words meant. Although it really seems like a bunch of random stuff, since it was a dream and all. Rebecca, what do you think?


Mom's watching TV right now. Apparently her head hurts real bad, that and she's starting to act nuts again. She's been real forgetful lately. Right now it's just me and her since my dad is at work and my siblings are at school.

It's kind of awkward.

Roller Coaster Ride

No, not the song.

Today started out as kind of a sucky day. Like really. Went to school, it was as cold as fuck, with this big green blob on my finger. Turns out I had an infection, and was dumb enough to not tell anybody. God, I'm so dumb... And that's not all, I was supposed to finish the shirt I was doing for Fashion and Design, the one that my passing grade hangs on. What do I do? I lose the freakin' pass my teacher gave to me so I could go to her room during fourth period, leading to some awkward situations in Participation in Government. Ugh, stupid, stupid. As it turns out, since we're having a Trigonometry exam tomorrow and all...oh, you won't believe this....

Our math teacher wasn't here. My bet is he was home sick. Which kind of sucks. Out of all days, nature had to choose this one day before we had to challenge the exam for him to not be here.

Seriously?

But yeah, during lunch my friends noticed my infection and my health teacher (who was doing lunch duty at the time) told me to go to the nurse. It just so happened that after lunch I had my Art History test, which I was totally unprepared for. The nurse didn't do anything to help me, all she did was soak my hand in soap. Yeah, like that'll help. I went back to class with only ten minutes left to complete the test, I didn't freakin' complete it. At least one of the girls was nice enough to offer me a cupcake for free. She's in the same Fashion and Design class as me. She's so nice :3 I guess that's when my day started brightening up, I didn't have the time I needed to finish my picture for Studio in Drawing class but my teacher was nice enough to let me finish it over regents week.

And guess what? As I walked outside into the cold frost, I just gave my finger a tight squeeze and the infection was gone. Just like that. It was just a little puss inside my skin, easily taken cared of. And my nurse told me it was major and I needed a doctor to handle it...HAHAHAHAHA! They were all just worried about stupid insurance. And then there was that creepy guy who started talking about how pretty I looked.

...


WELL ALRIGHTY THEN.

Random people on the street. They make me happy ya know? :|

Mom's doing better now, finally got her in the shower, and she seems pretty lucid (I feel weird using this word in that context). Yesterday was probably just another one of her "episodes". Apparently she's schizophrenic, or Bipolar, or both. I don't really know with these psychiatrists anymore. Rebecca, I would totally love to tell what's up, but I'm just not ready to. You'll understand. Maybe in the future, when I'm not being overburdened by anything. Luckily my dad's off today, so that means help with the cooking (yay!) We're making meatloaf.

It will be delicious.

Totally looking forward to the regents exam tomorrow!

YAAAAAAAY!

No. Not really.

And now my mom's pointing at the window. What the heck is over there that she's so afraid of?

I'm worried (Dream Journal #3)

Mom's been acted weird today... She keeps on bursting out into song at random moments. It's like, out of nowhere, I've noticed she hasn't been acting herself on other days as well. I'm really worried about her. And the thing is...this are all children songs. The sort they would sing in school. Like the ABC song for example; she sang it so fast, I was amazed she got every letter right. And her voice, oh God her voice. It was so high. It was never that high before. And on Friday, she was standing as if she could topple over at any time. I had to push her on her feet at times, and convince her to sit down. She's getting worse. She's always telling me that she's afraid of the CPS coming in and taking us away. I swear, if I hear their name again I'll scream. I keep telling her that we're not going anywhere, but she won't listen. She's always looking out the window, every few seconds. It's really getting out of hand. I don't want to see her do anything that will bring harm to her life.'

We need her.

Dad needs her.

If she goes away, we won't know what to do with ourselves. I don't want her going back to the psyche ward. Not again.



...

I had another weird dream last night.

This one had my mom in it.

We were inside a house that's like the house we're in now, only different. It was designed as one long vertical structure with only one floor. Every room only had two doors. One door lead to a room behind or a room in front. All of the rooms were the normal rooms found in a house. Every part of this house was familiar in some way, yet I was never in a house like this. It felt strange. One room was like a mix between a living room and a computer room. But I only remember the living room part of it. The walls were yellow, and the ground was carpeted. Mom was sitting in a black couch, it was a couch we always had since I was a little kid. My family carried it with them everywhere the went. We used to have two of these couches, but mom threw out one of them. Don't ask me why, because I have absolutely no idea. Above the couch, on the wall, was an old painting. It was a painting given to us by my grandmother on my mom's side. I wish I could show you it, but mom threw that out too. She said it was evil.

It was a nice painting too. It portrayed a horse pulling a cart on a pathway through the woods. I think there were other people there too, I'm not to sure. But I'm pretty certain it was in a park.

I have no idea why mom would think it was evil.

Anyways, there was this sliding door thing, you know, the glass ones. I remember we used to live in a house like this, only the sliding door lead to our backyard. Actually...we lived in two houses like this. However, there was no backyard outside, but our old apartment. The one we used to live in before moving to the house we're in now. It was a blue apartment, that was old and run-down. The lights didn't work in the bathroom and the shower sucked. I think we had termites, because there were holes all over the walls in the bathroom, and this one big hole in my parents bedroom. Apparently there used to be a window there (the apartment also used to have a fireplace, but that was covered up). Then, there were the cracks everywhere, the mice in the basement. The foundation was kind of lopsided too. It sucked (just like the house we live in right now kind of sucks, funny how that happens). My mother was sitting in her couch, across from the window, her face blank and devoid of emotion. The dream ended after we left that house, and went back to the apartment.

But why?