Long Day

Black Swan was....errrr....interesting. WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME THERE WAS LESBIAN SEX IN IT? *shudders* Not again. Not again. And Rebecca didn't seem bothered at all. I'm starting to think she's secretly a lesbian. But if that's the case...DID SHE HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME THIS ENTIRE TIME?

....No...that's just stupid. Plus I don't really want to think about that right now. It's bad enough I've never had a boyfriend in my life. I wouldn't know how to deal with having a girlfriend. Not to mention I'm straight...or at least I think I am.

Let's just say I'm leaning towards bi-curious and leave it at that. God.

After the movie we went to Starbucks as planned, and surprise, surprise Frank was there. With another boyfriend. *facepalm* I swear, that guy gets a new boyfriend every week, but I'm not going to judge him. Much. He actually offered to buy us all drinks, which is surprising because he is sort of conceited. But whatever, I wasn't complaining! I still have the taste of honey and cinnamon flavored mocha in my mouth! Frank was right, that stuff is good! I might even buy it every day before going to school (if I had the money, that is, I'm flat broke). We had a very nice talk with his friends about public transportation. Frank had to mention the time I got off at the wrong station. I....I don't want to talk about it. Once we got to zombiefied monkeys, Frank ended the conversation and left to go visit a "friend's house". Yeah, because I totally believed him for a second. My theory is that he was planning on getting drunk that night.

Only Frank!

Rebecca and I FINALLY got some time to ourselves, and she immediately started talking about mom. Her reasoning is that in order to help cure her we had to know what drove her over the edge in the first place. So she gave me the longest interview I ever had, and I must say it was one of the hardest. I felt pretty bad about relying this entire episode to her, and as much as I would love to share this with the world, I just can't. I trust Rebecca enough to do the same. It's just...hopeless. Hopeless! I couldn't even do anything either. And now as it seems we're low on money until the taxes come back. WHEN? Today? Tomorrow? Monday? Ugh, I can't take this any longer. Luckily, Rebecca was understanding throughout the entire thing. It's good to know that you have friends who will always be there for you. I really don't know what I'll do without Rebecca sometimes. She suggested that I do whatever I can to help mom relax, and keep an eye on her at all times. Watching TV seems to work for her, so I'll start doing that. In the meant time, Rebecca has this theory that mom has a split personality. It sounds kind of crazy to me, but it does explain why she's not the same mom I used to know, and her "episodes". Honestly, if there's a way to get rid of one personality and just have the old one, that'll be great. Rebecca advised me against this though, she said something about how the other personality is apart of my mom or something like that. I can't really remember. I just hope she gets better...

Rebecca also told me that I should go back to the park some time soon, and start exploring a bit, try to get a feel for my childhood. Literally "walking down memory lane". She seems to think that this will somehow spark lost memories that might aide in discovering the identity of that girl. I don't think it'll work, but we'll see. On the other hand, she might in fact be just some random girl on the street, so Rebecca told me to study the faces of everyone I meet on my daily routes. Yeah, the whole park theory is starting to make more sense than that. I'm pretty sure I feel better just doing that. For now Rebecca advised me against speaking to her based off of the events of the last dream.

Honestly, that looks like the best thing I can do right now.

I saw that Rebecca had a small notebook with her before we left the coffee shop. She better not have been taking notes of me.

Rebecca seems to think she's going to become some sort of psychiatrist when she grows up. Want to know what I think? She should really stick to dancing. Psychiatry won't work out for her.

I'll be leaving soon to meet Rebecca at her house, we're going to be going out to watch Black Swan since Rebecca still hasn't seen it. From what she heard about it, she thinks it will be a great opportunity to address lights and darks (whatever that means), but I think she's just in it for the Swan Lake. Since she's a, you know, dancer and all. Afterwords we'll be going to the Starbucks downtown to discuss mom, and that weird girl. She tells me it's "very important that you understand the predicament you're in".

Yeah, yeah. Like living with absolutely no money for an entire week didn't give our family the hint.

Frank called a while ago, said something came up so he won't be able to do my hair. I was looking forward to getting a new hair do too. Kind of lame. Hopefully we can work something out, since he did say he's still going to try to do it. At least before the prom.

I don't even know if I want to go to the prom this year.

Dream Journal #4 (Her Again)

Haha! Success! I managed to dream about her again! That's a start right? Pretty soon, we'll be having conversations, and I'll be building giant sand blocks from building small sand blocks, and knock those and the giant ones down at the same time! Yeah!

...Sorry, but this is just so exciting!

And the best part is...

I know, it's awesome. Problem is I could hardly hear her. What did she sound like...? ....It was kind of like the wind, her voice; soft, subtle. But I did pick up a couple of words: "Waiting...wants you...stay here, together...park...trees...back...scared..." As you can tell, this makes absolutely no sense. We were in the park again, that much I knew. This time, we were on a bridge, over the creek. She was just standing there, looking at a bunch of fishermen at the falls before she spoke. For a moment, I was afraid she was going to fall again. It sure looked like it. I mean, it really did look like she was slipping through the fence itself. Bah, I don't know.

So, I was dumb and forgot all about lucid dreaming, but it seemed like my dream knew exactly what I wanted to do, because I felt myself drawing nearer to her. Unfortunately she didn't become any louder, just that same soft, gentle voice. I came closer regardless, and I was becoming kind of nervous. I had this sudden surge of terror all of the sudden. It felt like I needed to get out of there, right at that second. I tried screaming at myself to stop, but I wasn't able to control my body. At all. The nearer I went, the more prominent the feeling became. Then, I reach out towards her again, this time I could touch her, and she turned around and...

Oh God.

I woke up immediately, the sheer shock of...

At least she spoke, right? Maybe I can try to work out what the words meant. Although it really seems like a bunch of random stuff, since it was a dream and all. Rebecca, what do you think?


Mom's watching TV right now. Apparently her head hurts real bad, that and she's starting to act nuts again. She's been real forgetful lately. Right now it's just me and her since my dad is at work and my siblings are at school.

It's kind of awkward.